I understand very well that one does not necessarily get what he seeks in life, does not find what he or she has always wanted in life. Fate plays around all the time right? Thus, I understand this now; I’m not taking him for granted though, so grateful and thankful that God has given me such a gift, the very gift I asked for. Thanks Lord. The brightness of a promising future can be seen now, I know very well that what happened throughout my life was not a mistake and wasn’t wrong, I believe that it is what people call Past and Experience and Life.
I have got the feeling that I should not eat, that the collar and hip bones of me have to be seen so that I can be happier. I am not going to eat at all, I will do it again, I will not fight this disease. Sometimes, I’d rather surrender for my good. This lovely sickness has been a close friend, when I come to think of getting rid of it I feel so bad, the images of fat people around me arise into my vision, I see my body fattening like a wild pig, like a disgusting creature that no one would like to look after, to look at. I am a plague. I am the all the filthy charm of feminineness, all the sacred disgrace of devils. I lately realized that I do not worth as much as when I have my anorexia. I would not be considered thin without it, would not be able to starve and not eat for weeks without it, would not know the limitations of my strength without it, I am the slave of my being-skeleton weaknesses. I am the only proud anorexic of her eating disorder.
I curled up in my bed for an hour or so, eventually I got up to find that it was neither morning nor night. I confuse timings now, it is not easy to know what time it is, I find it ironic. A young lady finds it so hard to live the time as it is. I live night thinking it is noon and live dawn thinking it is evening, I did not find it weird when I was out at two in the morning in my work clothes. I know that this is the right time to go see a therapist (another one who does not know any of my flaws, at least not yet). This is the time to not keep going as like I do now, otherwise life would be a nightmare forever.
Yes, now I cannot deny that I cannot sleep. When I fall to sleep I see all the things I try to avoid in reality. Food, guys, skinny girls, shops, mirrors… I see them right when I lose my conscious, so I wake my head up with moans. Sex stopped helping, it is now just another nightmare, another thing to avoid. My companion would not make me sleep after getting my orgasms, or he even would not give me any orgasms, it would be a tiring duty, a tiring lust, a disgusting fact. Yeah, it is all right and well, to be loved for the sake of spreading my legs for a sexual thirst, a desiring man to fill that yummy void, a man who would end it with watering my emotions-dried body with his tangible proof of the existence of feeling, a sexual nasty manner. Sex never helps when you need to sleep now, it used to help me sleep before, sex does not help when you need a rest, to get comfortable for a while, just a little while. And when you sleep you wake up by a man’s volcanic breath over your breasts. No stops.
Food and Sex, no difference between the two, so if you are an anorexic like me, you would hate both. People, you are all slaves of the two devils.
June 14, 2009
“What would you have told her?”
“I don’t know. That I was sorry, that I’ll never know how it feels like to be her. But I know how it feels like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can’t, how you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing in the inside.”
“When you don’t want to feel, death can seem like a dream, but seeing death, really seeing it, makes thinking about it fucking ridiculous.”
”Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever felt blue? Or thought your train is moving when sitting still? Maybe I was crazy, maybe it was the 60’s or maybe I was just a girl..interrupted”
June 9, 2009
I felt my life was over and nothing was left to hope for, to look for or to live for. I had my faith though, the faith in a super power to help me, to give me another life, the life I wanted and prayed for. I couldn’t see anything was coming, I couldn’t see anything happening but I kept believing and sucking that holy strenght.
I see myself today with all what I asked for, with all what I once wanted and prayed with tears for. I see that here I am with the new life just like I wanted it, the very life I dreamt about for weeks and months. I can see it, thus I believe in it more now. I am glad that God did not let me down and I knew it, he gave me what I wished, he gave me no reason to give up faith. Thank you my Lord.
A husband I never expected to get myself, never. What other qualities I would wish to find in him? What other thinking? What happiness? What joy? He is my man, he is my soulmate and partner for a lifetime. He is the one I’m going to share my life with, the one I will always be faithful to, my one love, my true love, my immortal love. What things should I mention about him? I do not know where to start, I cannot compare him with others, I cannot mention his name with any other guy I have ever knew before, I had made the promise to cut off my relationship with the past. With this big difference in age between us, I see no real difference, no real reason to dislove him, I like him.
Our talks everyday bring us closer everyday, attach me to him everyday, every single holy day.
Seeing him soon.
May 24, 2009
How harsh this nature is? How insane men are? A young soft little girl, innocent and still in her shell, reserved, protected. I’m sorry for talking about this thing this way, but this is how I feel about it now.
We all know that to have babies the woman has to lose her virginity, in other words, she has to be fucked up. I always knew that and believed in it, it was something given and there was no way to give it a second thought, to be pregnant you have to be no longer a virgin. Actually losing your virginity without seeing it happening is much better than seeing a girl losing her virginity this way. So what’s wrong now? what has brought these thoughts to my head?
It’s all about that video I got on my e-mail. A young girl, seemed to be around sixteen or maybe younger, laying on a sofa with her underpants and sport white socks, she looked as if she has just come back from school, a guy tried to pull her underpants down, she didn’t resist much, she didn’t try to stop him seriously, I think she knew what he wanted to do but she was just scared, her resistance was of ascared little girl, it wasn’t because she didn’t want to lose her virginity, but she seemed hesitant too. He pulled it down and she opened her vagina hole as an evidence that she was still a virgin, he drilled his one finger then the second followed and pushed them deep inside and the blood was flowed.
I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t handle the thought of being this much hurt, maybe it wasn’t because she has lost her most precious thing, maybe because of the way it happened, maybe I cried for her loss instead of her, maybe because I felt that women have to be in her position, they all have to be in her position. Okay, this is nature and without women being no longer virgins babies wouldn’t come to life, but why do we have to suffer to bring others lives? And why do we have to do this basically for men pleasure? If I find any woman in her thirties or forties and tell me she’s still virgin because she couldn’t handle the thought of losing her virginity I may understand, but we both, that woman and I, will be having a serious problem.
That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m still a virgin, doesn’t mean that I’m not too. The idea revolves around how much does it hurt to know that you’re no longer a girl, you lost that thing and you’ll never get it back naturally (we’re not talking about any surgeries here). But what hurts me most, is how she lost it simply in this video, with a finger she’s lost that thing.
Believe me this is not a silly issue, most would think that it’s just a vagina and a virginity veneer, it’s not the case, I’m the kind of person who would like to keep a precious thing forever, I admit that that’s a problem.
Until I find my peaceful solace.
May 10, 2009
It seems that I’ve neglected this page alot and God knows how much I feel sorry for that, but work and school take all my time and if there’s a chance for me to breathe I tend to do more important things.
The co-workers here around me are being real earthly creatures, everyday they add some filth to my coffee and day. I now find myself a different person, I don’t know how much different but I can tell that it is ..different. I think I lie more and I talk behind people backs, I don’t like it, I’m not that kind of person who would like to be perfect or try to sound like, but I wasn’t this much bad, and believe me it’s getting worse. I hate them for that, and I hate them for making me an eater like them too.
Yes, now I eat more, it is not that I eat and eat but I do it more often now. In mornings like today’s I had some of an oatmeal!! I just want my parents to come and see me. Oatmeals aren’t bad, are they? Yes, they might contain many calories and they make me feel bad and a bit more active, I don’t feel much tired by the end of the day, but since it’s going to make me gain weight maybe I should stop having them. I drink more at nights like those on Fridays, vodka is irresistable there. I smoke once a couple of days, I tend to smoke more but I try to have control when it comes to smoking.
Okay, so far I’m talking about a young woman who’s being more insane, who was very anorexic and now she barely feels that she is, from a non-smoker to a smoker who’s being a real smoker gradually, a believer who’s walking on the path of non-believers. That is too much to tell and too much to handle, I don’t think I want to go back to who I were a couple of months ago, I’m happy now so why not keep going, life is short isn’t it?
I am not doing well with my studies though, I just can’t find a moment to get my head a rest, it’s not that easy to come back tired from work and open a book full of digits and memorize some information about banks and financial stuff. I am the best example of all the capitalists on this God damned island, I am the worst in having a fine mind and the best in having a lost sanity, I’m now nothing but a human being living without rules, yet not free. I’m a young lady who’s done seeking help. Helpless and happy.
Books of old poetry, Wordsworth’s, Blake’s, T.S Eliot’s and others, all bestrewed on the floor in my room, on the bed and some still on the shelves. I’m not a good reader nor the one who would read as much as it looks like, but I’ve been about three months without a housekeeper, I’m not used to clean my house and not used to put the book back when I’m done. So there you go, dishes and mugs everywhere in the kitchen, two fishes are dead and laying in the basin fish creating an awful enviroment for the others, the trees at the front yard are getting yellow and the grass need to be sheared, books are everywhere in my room, daddy’s office, the living room, the dining room, the kitchen and other places, I even don’t see any fresh roses in the vase anymore, ah where are you now Shanty?
Therefore, I have to do that again, I have to take this responsisbility and clean my place by my own?! Of course not, I will take that responsibilty and bring a new housekeeper to shear the grass, to collect all the books, to dust off everything, to wash my clothes and the dishes, to water the trees every morning and make my coffee when I’m late and to buy the fresh roses which the vase has terribly been missing.
Before I write the farewell words, I must congratulate my friend who’s got her first baby, little Joe. I’m trying to get his pictures, I need to take a picture every month to see how fast he’s growing. Happy for her as if it was my baby.
Wish me to update more often :)
May 7, 2009
Through all the days and through all what happened and might happen, I stand still. Let’s accept the change and take life as it is.
I do not find the guts to update like I used to.
April 26, 2009
[Sung]
My heart and I we have some issues
Don’t know I should hate you or miss you ..
I mumbled some words he used to say while my head rested on my pink heart-shaped pillow. I felt like singing quietly, a song that begs him not to go away. I felt my life is fading away. Nothing was around me but darkness and silence. I did not want to remember but I could not help it. That was definitely true love.
I am trying to replace the gap he brought once he is gone, I can’t find it, nothing seems to fill the gap, I cannot reach it. I do not want to remember, I do not remember but he comes and goes, his voice sings to my broken heart to tear it up. I am a heartbroken, I am a lost soul. For all the other lost souls I say: I heart you.
For all those who are seeking happiness I say: You’re seeking nothingness. I now believe that happiness is not there, it does not exist. Here in my place, where the darkness lives with sorrow, where life seems to be dead and air tends to choke, I struggle to get it over. People are no longer real to me, they’re all minor characters in my life story which I believe is an extremely filthy boring story. A story of one’s desperate attempts to love or live, it doesn’t matter anymore, a story of a girl’s miserable life. The story that you will regret reading the most. Nevertheless, it is readable, it is a story.
For my unborn uncreated child, you are nothing to me but a reason. A reason to live and to struggle so that I get the reason to smile in order to make you smile and consequently you can try to live normally. I promise you that I will be good, I am good when I am mad and I am good when I am sad, I am always good in all moods, yes my little child because I am your mother. I know I can be your real mother, I know that I will take care of you and protect you, we will be a team, you and I.
I am on the top of the world, I don’t have the people I love the most around!
April 9, 2009
Maybe this is how it should be, hard and so easy. I try to get over things and once happiness starts to emerge at the end of the tunnel, everything disappears and nothing remains but darkness and bleakness.
The spirituality is missing, and I am so far away from God. Today I wonder if that was what I need or not, a God to be attached to, to set me free, and I can go back to when I suffer the “bleakness”. The same circle again. A God, an invisible superior, to whom I’m willing to give all the authority and obeisance.
After that long tiring night, when I found your body, lifeless. What did you do so that God took your soul away? Look at you, so blue and dead, motionless.
Ignorance.
April 2, 2009
[ This post might sound awkward, thus do not take it personal. ]
Again, the same mistakes and the same troubles I put myself through and I wish I could just stop. I am going back like a jerk to all the bad stupid habits and I can’t find the right way to quit. I should be stronger and that’s what I know.
I don’t want to lose more, no more losses and no more sorrows, I chose to leave the past behind and that’s what should happen, I hate that I don’t have that control and guess what now, I will control again. I know it might sound it’s all about anorexia and the sucking eating disorder I’m having and suffering from, but it’s more than it sounds. My life, my family, my friends and my everything. People are progressing indeed, I should progress too for that I am one of the people. I should take the step towards the next stage and I am sure I can be just fine.
I started school again, I am getting back to work soon too. I have a quiz today and it’s now, where am I now? Here not in a classroom.
I had my coffee with some colleagues and I didn’t plan to add more sugar, I didn’t plan to add anything more, no more calories. To some extent, I did. I feel bad now, I wonder how bad and guilty would a murderer feel after committing his murder, is it worse? Believe this is a serious question, I want to know how does he or she feel. I know that talking about some murder might be scary, but in fact I think about such things alot. I think about killing someone some day and even if doesn’t sound serious this time, it is.
I was not happy when life was happiness, I didn’t like being asked by some human being like that one about when to encounter. I liked what I shouldn’t have liked and now I find it hard, so hard to forget. Like people here would say “aby ansa”. I just don’t get that some people leave such emotions when they leave someone’s life, for me he didn’t leave emotions only he left a year of my life, a year that I can’t even imagine that it was my life I was living. Horrible feeling. I have no idea why I can’t cry for him now, I don’t know why my eyes do not tear when I remember, maybe it’s because I used all the tears for him and now there’s no more, his amount went out. Just like Carrie said, it seems that everyone has some amount of tears to cry and when we can’t cry more, it’s probably went out.
The other day, in morning I got the guts to watch Sex and The City once again, I got the feeling of being involved into that special amazing atmosphere. When Mr.Big couldn’t get into the building where the wedding party were to be held, and then Carrie’s dream broke down and she ran outside crying towards the car, I cried the Nile River. I was holding my coffee and watching and my tears poured into the mug and I wondered for a second how many calories there are in my tears, I felt so silly that I wanted to forget about the whole body and shape thing, I realized how silly is my thinking and that I should get out of my shell and find something better to think about, to do something to help someone maybe or to enjoy life before it’s too late.
The parties were fun, I didn’t know that I had school on the next day and I didn’t know that I was skipping classes. I skipped many and now I’m a bit lost, however, I’m sure I can get it, yes I can and today I skipped my quiz.
McHottie said it, I didn’t want to hear it, I wanted him to say that we will always be faithful and loyal friends, he said it the wrong way. That’s why I should forget about my past, I don’t want to leave any warnings behind I will just fade away, or just disappear.
I know how to be happy and because I still have the big chance, not too big though, I am going to find happiness, the unreachable happiness.
Be Happy. Salut.
March 24, 2009
I don’t know why did I do that, I don’t know what was wrong with my head that I just sent that message to all those people. I don’t want it to get worse, I don’t want to lose this great friendship, that’s if I still have it.
I didn’t mean anything bad by doing that, I swear.
March 22, 2009
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