I understand very well that one does not necessarily get what he seeks in life, does not find what he or she has always wanted in life. Fate plays around all the time right? Thus, I understand this now; I’m not taking him for granted though, so grateful and thankful that God has given me such a gift, the very gift I asked for. Thanks Lord. The brightness of a promising future can be seen now, I know very well that what happened throughout my life was not a mistake and wasn’t wrong, I believe that it is what people call Past and Experience and Life.
I have got the feeling that I should not eat, that the collar and hip bones of me have to be seen so that I can be happier. I am not going to eat at all, I will do it again, I will not fight this disease. Sometimes, I’d rather surrender for my good. This lovely sickness has been a close friend, when I come to think of getting rid of it I feel so bad, the images of fat people around me arise into my vision, I see my body fattening like a wild pig, like a disgusting creature that no one would like to look after, to look at. I am a plague. I am the all the filthy charm of feminineness, all the sacred disgrace of devils. I lately realized that I do not worth as much as when I have my anorexia. I would not be considered thin without it, would not be able to starve and not eat for weeks without it, would not know the limitations of my strength without it, I am the slave of my being-skeleton weaknesses. I am the only proud anorexic of her eating disorder.
I curled up in my bed for an hour or so, eventually I got up to find that it was neither morning nor night. I confuse timings now, it is not easy to know what time it is, I find it ironic. A young lady finds it so hard to live the time as it is. I live night thinking it is noon and live dawn thinking it is evening, I did not find it weird when I was out at two in the morning in my work clothes. I know that this is the right time to go see a therapist (another one who does not know any of my flaws, at least not yet). This is the time to not keep going as like I do now, otherwise life would be a nightmare forever.
Yes, now I cannot deny that I cannot sleep. When I fall to sleep I see all the things I try to avoid in reality. Food, guys, skinny girls, shops, mirrors… I see them right when I lose my conscious, so I wake my head up with moans. Sex stopped helping, it is now just another nightmare, another thing to avoid. My companion would not make me sleep after getting my orgasms, or he even would not give me any orgasms, it would be a tiring duty, a tiring lust, a disgusting fact. Yeah, it is all right and well, to be loved for the sake of spreading my legs for a sexual thirst, a desiring man to fill that yummy void, a man who would end it with watering my emotions-dried body with his tangible proof of the existence of feeling, a sexual nasty manner. Sex never helps when you need to sleep now, it used to help me sleep before, sex does not help when you need a rest, to get comfortable for a while, just a little while. And when you sleep you wake up by a man’s volcanic breath over your breasts. No stops.
Food and Sex, no difference between the two, so if you are an anorexic like me, you would hate both. People, you are all slaves of the two devils.
