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Is it bad to get the chance to say what you really feel toward someone? I have no idea, no more. It has been months and I couldn’t see it clearly, I couldn’t know what was that feeling and I didn’t want to go fast.

 To tell someone that you care, to show him how worried you are about him when he’s late or so, to tell him that you miss him and he makes you happy, don’t you think there’s a missing word here?! It’s that you love him?! Everything was saying it, the way you act and the way you talk, you thought he would realize what you feel?! Dumb ass.

 So it was normal when he asked his stupid question which was “do you love me?!” I was like duhhh, and though I said pause, lol! I couldnt say it because I’ve never imagined that I could tell. Eventually I was almost stuck and said the Yes, the worst Yes I’ve ever said so far.

 There are beasts live inside each guy and I hate to believe in this fact, finally I could. That’s so true, no matter how nice, cool, serious, gentle..etc, he has his own beasts, you got to feed them for his lusts and desires, I hate it when I see that side of a guy.

 How cruel is this world?! How far I can go with this?!

 Well, yesterday I drove directly from uni to the beauty saloon, that’s becasue on my way I was thinking of a new hair cut and a nice color for a new look. There, I asked for a light color, Im told that it goes fabulous with white skin. I suppose they dyed it with a light color but what I see now is very dark. Lord, my hair was dark, no change then.

 It looked amazing there, I thanked them and it was really good, but as soon as I arrived home and looked at the mirror I saw it just like before. The hair cut was too short for me though everyone was saying that it doesn’t look any shorter! Maybe I am blinded as my psychiatrist says. Who knows anyway.
 
 I dont like it. I feel bad. My hair was prettier for me, people like it more now. My friends want to dye their hair with the same color and I was thinking “is there any color?“

P.S: Miss Kazerooni, if you’re reading this. DO NOT LAUGH.

Cool cool cool, I like it when I fool…(eagerly)
Ok, that sounds so cruel, but sometimes fooling others makes Fun. You get what you want easily. Winks.

Thanks Dad, I can always be sick to get such things from you. You rock Mr.H.

  I feel blue. It was the best weekend since uni has started. Feeling exhausted never ends though.
 It was so nice to spend more time with parents, I mean without yelling and fighting, but going back to uni on Monday wasn’t that much pleasant. Actually it was almost the worst day that anyone would have, but there was something had changed the entire mood. 

 So, on Mon I have only two lectures and this Monday I was so sleepy due to insomnia, that’s why I skipped the first lecture at 8 am. Then the second lecture starts at 9:30 but I got there late because I had to wait for someone to wake me up. lol!

  however, I opened the door, something was not normal at all, everyone was looking right down, I thought ‘they’re writting something.. what is it??’, then the doctor asked me to take me a paper so I thought ‘it must be an exercise for all students’. I took the paper and sat in a random place, I read what was written on the first page…”The second semester mid-term exam 2007-2008″. I read it again and again and again but then I realized how big is my trouble!! 

  “doctor, I thought our first test is going to be on the 7th of April” I exclaimed. “..which means ..today?” he said smiling. Wow, I knew why I had been wondering whose birthday is on the 7th. I felt so so dumb & idiot. The guy on my right laughed as I left my paper on the doctor’s desk and walked away.

   I was walking around going to nowhere, I tried to find someone just to tell what has just happened. Luckily, I saw him from a distance, I kept walking but I remembered that damn test and started to tear, but no one noticed. He saw me, approached and whispered “wanna a suger free cup of coffee?”. An instant of silence, “remember, its sugar free, no calories” he reminded. Then Me said “its ok, but its hot today..”. 

 In spite of the fact that I didnt want to see him, I felt so glad when I went back home, I forgot about the test, about the laughing guy, my insomnia and all those shits. He makes me laugh, smile, and talk talk talk …. I wouldnt talk to anyone that much. We sat there in S17 for 3 hours but it felt like three minutes, no fustian I swear.

 Everyone needs someone like that, especially at a moment like that. <3
 
                                            

I just wish to be as fat as here ….again.

This song is “Me singing ‘I dont love you’.. “
              

  My psychiatrist tells me weekly about facts I already know. He touches my bones and says that I cheat. My diet is not a diet, it is a daily party. I shall never go there again.
 
 Now, this lovely girl, whose body has been damaged by the same disease I’ve got, she’s losing her life, she’s paying the price for her power. We’re living a real tragedy, it is so real and I hate to remember this fact every morning when I step on the damn scale. Mirrors tell lies, scales tell the truth. 

yeah, she looks so fine

Here is the fact: If you think you can get me to break my fast, you’ll have to think again. Just look at me: I am nothing but skin and bones and I might easily die. And if death is the price I have to pay for my power, then I shall willingly pay it. 

   And people will never realize how bad and hard it is. Once a friend of Moms said “you’re a spoiled girl, just go and eat something, its done right?!”. No, it’s not, you’re making it even worse with your cursed words idiot.    Somewhere there are people who understand cases like mine, they pay the attention and try to provide them with the cure, they definitely make others lives better, I miss those people in my world. This lovely model who I used to adore since I was thirteen.
                     
 Anna Carolina Reston, she’s dead now. She had suffered with this sickness and then she passed away….and paid the price.
 Skinny tyranny killed my model girl

November 17, 2006 - 6:34AM
The mother of a Brazilian fashion model who died from complications of anorexia has made an emotional appeal for parents to take better care of aspiring young models.The death of Ana Carolina Reston, 21, follows growing criticism of the use of underweight models in the fashion world, an issue given new significance after the death in August of Uruguayan model Luisel Ramos of heart failure during a fashion show in Montevideo.

Reston died on Tuesday in a Sao Paulo hospital from a generalised infection caused by anorexia, an eating disorder in which sufferers obsessively deprive themselves of food in pursuit of an ultra-slim look.

Reston weighed only 40 kg and was about 1.72 metres tall. Doctors consider this weight normal for a 12-year-old girl no more than about 1.5 metres tall.

“Take care of your children … No money is worth the life of your child. Not even the most famous (fashion) brand is worth this,” her mother, Miriam Reston, told O Globo newspaper.

She said her daughter had been trying to help her family with the money she made as a model.

Miriam spoke on national television and to local newspapers to highlight the tragedy. She said she had pleaded with her daughter to eat more and to see a doctor.

“She would reply, `Mummy, don’t mess me around,’” Miriam told O Estado de S.Paulo.

“Dictatorship of skinny look kills a model,” said the front-page headline of O Dia tabloid, which carried a picture of the dark-haired, big-eyed girl in lingerie.

Many top models come from Brazil and thousands of young girls from all walks of life dream of modelling careers, inspired by the international success of Gisele Bundchen or Adriana Lima.

Reston was not famous but she had worked abroad, including in Japan, and did some jobs for Giorgio Armani and the Brazilian model agency L’Equipe.

In September, Spain caused a storm in the fashion world when Madrid barred models below a certain weight from its top fashion show. Models with a body-mass-index (BMI), which takes into account height and weight, of less than 18 were banned.

Reston’s BMI was just 13.5 while the World Health Organisation considers anyone with a BMI below 18.5 underweight. A BMI below 17.5 is criterion for the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, and a BMI nearing 15 is usually used as an indicator of starvation.
 

I am paying the price, sooner or later.