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August 28, 2008

How to find your soulmate?

  

That was a big issue to talk about on TV, some said through Facebook, others said throwing their numbers so that girls take them and call (so stupid), there were some who talked about their stories. How to find your soulmate?

 That question should never be asked at all, you don’t go to look for a soulmate, your soulmate just comes without any arrangement. Like a very soft and cool wind you feel it some day and wonder where has it been for all that time.

 when I first knew McSteamy (Ahmed) I didn’t even think about being more than friends and maybe less than that, I didn’t know him well at that time but I used to see him very often, we would sit and talk about different things like family and study, food, clothing, girls and guys and relationships, whatever comes on mind. I started to know him better with everyday passes. Meanwhile, I didn’t feel anything between us, I kept considering him a friend like anyother friend.soon after things started to change, when I talk to anyone else I could feel the difference, I mean whenever I talk to a friend or Mom or anyone around I notice how different is his way to talk me, how kind and nice and lovely is that. I’ve never met someone like him ever and I don’t think I will, it’s all about him, I’ve never wanted or dreamt about someone like him and actually he’s more than I ever wanted. For years, I thought I loved some guys, the way I felt toward them was ‘strange and different’ too but now I know that it wasn’t what’s called Love, I can feel love with McSteamy, I can’t explain that with words, what can I say about him?

 I look up to him, I see a “perfect” guy, he’s just so perfect to me, I’ve never felt this way before, he is such a guy and it hurts me to know that I will never be with him, it kills me when I remember that this guy is not for me but he’s the one my heart wants, desires loves, needs, feels, and beats for. No would treat me the way he does no one, he respects me more than anyone else, and saw me through it all… lifted me up when I couldn’t reach, gave me faith because he believes.

 

 Today, all what I can do is to thank God for giving me the opportunity to know him, I thank God because he brought this person to my life to find the real of me, to change what was wrong inside. I pray that God helps me to go over it and keep the good memories for the hard times to make me smile. And when I remember that soon it’s all going to end I cry, he hates to see me crying but I cant help it.

 have you ever been in love? You could touch the moon light, have you ever walked on air?

 

 Think twice,
don’t say what you’re about to say
look back before you leave my life

Be sure before you close that door
before you roll those dices
baby think twice
baby think twice for the sake of our love and the memory

 

 


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August 25, 2008

McSteamy Vs. McDevil

McDevil

- does not pray, does not fast
- a drinker
- a smoker
- does drugs
- has slept with 60 woman so far
- hates most people around him
- curses
- lazy and has no goals, always seems frustrated.

McSteamy

- has never missed a prayer and fasts every single day in Ramadan and when it’s needed.
- still virgin
- respect all people around him
- never tried to drink
- has never tried drugs
- does not curse, does not use bad words
- hates death, crimes and blood.
- does not smoke
- has a big brain and always knows what to do.

 McDevil and I have been friends since 4 years and I used to feel that we’re a reflection of one person for so long. I’ve just realized that that was so wrong, McDevil and I are somehow different. I love a guy and I call him McSteamy, he’s not an angel and I’m not trying to make him seem like an angel, to me he’s close to be perfect, still no one is perfect. I like to be with McDevil for the sake of friendship and old days, but I dont know why I started to feel that he’s a bad friend, we both know that we are bad and we do bad things together and each one used to tell the other about everything happens, that’s why we’re just like an open book, we like to be with each other becasue we are naughty and trying to live life to the fullest, try everything, enjoy everything and never give a shit about anything. Last night everything started to change in my head.

 I know many people who do not pray or fast, do not care about what religion requires or what they should do to show faith to make it something seen. Yet, they claim that they’re muslims and believe in the one God, that is bullshit. Althought I cannot stop doing many things knowing that they’re bad and forbidden I still pray, it is one of the things those I can’t stop, I cannot miss a prayer I just cant and that doesnt make me a good person but I just do it for god sake, to feel that I’m here for a reason and I’m leaving for a reason too.
 
 Last night for the first time I know that McDevil does not pray or fast at all, not because of this name I’ve given to him but because he “doesnt want to”, that is what he said ” I believe in God and I love him, I believe in that day too, but I just dont pray and dont fast, what’s wrong? are you going to get the punishment instead of me or what?” and I cried!! I dont know why I cried I even dont care, I’ve never did, I know many people who dont and I didnt think about it, but last night was so ..I dont think my period was the reason but there was something else, I felt that there’s no justice anymore, it’s unfair, what happened to you people, when will you wake up?  I wish I can transfer to another planet where there is no one of you.

 and I will always love you McSteamy <3

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August 18, 2008

someone’s miserable life

 

     A month ago I’ve met a guy who knows nothing, literally nothing. He represents the situation of a huge group of guys over this country. I couldn’t believe that he really didn’t know the things I asked him about. First, I started to talk to him in English like any other person I meet at work, he stopped me and asked me to talk in Arabic, for a moment I wondered why but I didn’t give a real damn about it and carried on, I mentioned some words in English, words that everyone ‘supposed’ to know like “for example”, “already”, “however” and so on but he couldn’t understand, he kept asking me what does that mean “umm, wh..wha..what? sorry? Wh..what you say??”. I felt that I was talking to a big dumb, he’s really a big dumb and the fact that I have to work with this person every single day is just like the pain in the ass.

   I was talking to someone about an interesting video we both have seen on youtube and we were excited about it, that’s when he came across to show his curiosity, he asked about that video what was it about and where was it, I told him that he can find it on youtube.com, guess what. He doesn’t know youtube, the site that considred the most useful website in 2007. I showed him youtube on the screen and told him about it, I “taught” him how to use it and how would it help him. He was like ‘what an invention’, to him it was the most amazing thing in the entire universe, how could people do that?  Once he knew about my sickness, he was very lucky to know because I wouldn’t tell him about it, he asked me “what is anoo-rexa-neervoseh?!” I told him that it’s just a disease and I cant tell him more about it otherwise he can google it, he looked at me for a minute then he turned his back to go to his office but then he turn and said “I’m sorry but what do you mean by saying google it?” ..whaaaaat?! “I’m sorry, I can’t explain”.

 This person who has got this job ‘somehow’ cannot speak English, doesn’t know how to use Microsoft Office in general, has never used google, yahoo..the internet in general, hasn’t graduate yet, doesn’t know rock music or any other kind of music, doesn’t watch movies and has been to cinema for three times only. Yes he could count them ALL.

  fortunatey, I have a chance from time to time to talk to him to know what he knows and what he doesn’t know, I cant believe that there are too many people like him in Bahrain, our country, I thought there are some people who couldn’t get well educated but I couldn’t imagine this. Anyway, we’ve started to talk and he felt that he has to change many things, such as improving his English language, learn about computers and how to use his own, learn about what is going on around him. Yesterday he told me that he has never read a newspaper, he has just used them to clean the glass!!

 A week ago we went togther to buy him a laptop. He asked me to go with him because he had no idea what kind of laptops he should buy or how to choose what is good for him, he also started to use Microsoft Word to get some ‘skills’, I try my best to help him to get better and learn faster. I knew that he hadnt a DVD player so I bought him and I gave him some movies to watch, but he said that he doesn’t like to watch movies that much but he will try to watch them. God, God, dear lord, who doesn’t like movies??! I call him McDumb now, it really goes with him.

 Now I can see him reading the newspaper in English every morning and listens to The Beatles!!

   These changes were obvious to everyone especially at work, his friends who used to know him before he joins us have noticed that he’s getting better, they tell him that he’s getting a life now, he’s into the world. Today he thanked me and told me that he appreciates what I’m doing. The thing is, I didn’t mean to help him the way I did but when I started doing it I felt happy, worthy and uselful to others, I felt my existence.

 

 

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August 10, 2008

sleepless night

It was a really hard night, very sleepless one, although I’ve started my new job on August 1st I still cant get used to sleep early, early means before 3am, I tried my best to sleep ealier last night but there was no positive results. 

 I decided to turn the DVD player on and I started to watch old seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, Dexter and Friends, digging into London Dairy ice cream jar, it has been my only resource to get my intake of calories. It was pretty nice to lay down naked watching all these stuff to feed my head and my heart, I’m Leo so I got bored. I turned the indivdual party off and tried to sleep again and shake the bad thoughts away, that is when I noticed three missed calls from a strange number so I called back for once but nobody answered, soon it rang and I picked up..

Me: Hellow..

Her: Hi, who is this?!

Me: sorry, you’re calling, may I know who is talking?

Her: No, you just called minutes ago, it’s not my number, it’s my husband’s..

Me: Ok, but I dont know your husband, I just called back when I saw three missed calls from this number, that’s it and I apologize..

Her: if you know my husband just tell me, I know about him and I know that he plays with many girls and he drinks, he’s just playing around and you better tell me if you know him to protect yourself.. (I smelled a scent of a trouble)

Me: wait wait, please wait, I honeslty don’t know what you’re talking about, I dont know your husband, I just called back and I guess it was my biggest mistake.

Her: Listen, he’s missing now, cops are trying to find him ok? he’s amarican and he’s been missing since 10 days now and we all are trying to find him, please tell me where is he now, by the way he’s mentally sick so you’ll be in danger ..

Me: what? hey I told you I know nothing about this whole thing, I dont know you, I dont know your husband, I wish i could help you but sorry ..

That was pretty weird, she was telling me about details that I dont give a damn about, she asked me about my name, if I’m bahraini or not or if I’m half bahraini, my age .. I kinda felt it was a dream or something.

 The minute I left the phone and started to think about what she said, it range again so I thought she missed a question or some details about her missing husband, but it actually was another strange number..

 Me: Hiiiii (yawning), sorry..Hi

 Him: Hi? Nader?

Me: no no, it’s ok, I guess you called the wrong number, it’s ok you’re forgiven , bye.

Him: no wait, I..I think it’s Nader’s number right?!

Me: well, does my voice sound like I’m someone called Nader?!

Him: no at all!! but my friend’s number is like yours but it has 9 instead of 6 in the middle ..

Me: its ok, you’re forgiven, have a nice day.

Him: ermmm, wait is it ok to call on this number again?!

Me: on this number? for what purpose?

Him: I just ..ermm..I just like your voice

Me: fuck off, NO YOU CANNOT.

 That was really ridiculous, who’s that asshole who calls people at 5 am for no purpose and then he gets a really good purpose, all I wanted is to get some time to sleep just to be able to fake a smile on my face in the morning.

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August 7, 2008

Meeting the gay

 It was so nice to be with some kind friends, shakin’ the stress away, went to see Hancock which wasn’t that good. It was nice to find some time to forget about what’s really stressful. 

 Again, I’ve seen an old friend who had told me that he’s interested in guys more and told me about the fact that he’s gay. He could have told me in a kind way, I don’t blame him, he didn’t know that I support gay marriages. It’s all about finding a soulmate right?! Shit.

 If you’re one of Grey’s Anatomy fans then you probably will know this person..


T.R. Knight

 
he’s called George O’mally in Grey’s and he’s gay. Recently, he’s got married from his boyfriend Matt Corneisen.
Here they’re walking their dogs together, how romantic!! I envy “her”. 

 

The Wedding ..

 He’s been asked about having children in future and if he longs to be a father and the answer was “well, the idea of it .. yeah” he said hesitantly.

 But my ex friend used to be so normal, he tried his best not show anything about his interest in guys, once he said “I hate beards, I love guys with shaved faces”. It wasn’t normal to hear something like that, add to that the way it sounded. I’ve never asked him about being with some girl because I actually didn’t want him to think that I was interested or something which is true, I wasn’t. But he could have told me, I’m ok with it.  That doesnt mean I am a lesbian or I want to get a wife instead of getting a husband. It’s just that I understand the whole thing about it. 
 
 So today when we met by coincidence and shaked hands I felt that he’s ashamed or shy maybe, but I told him indirectly about O’mally’s marriage and how lovely the couple looked, I know I was a jerk to say somthing awful like that to a gay but it didnt mind at the time, he just said that if they really love each other then they’ll be happy!! Yeah dear with a big hole in your ass! I swear I remembered him with his boyfriend while I was watching Hancock, you know that scene when Will Smith got that guy’s head into his friend’s ass. Jeeeeeeez. And it was really good that we both could talk about our sexual issues, he talked about how it hurts and how good it feels at the same time I felt like he was pouring his heart out. That’s a positive sign : )

 Good for them both .. 
 

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August 4, 2008

Black smoke, filthy brain, dirty looks

 I should just stop going to see a doctor, I dont think I’m getting better anyway, people dont understand that I just like it that way. I started to get used to my eating disorder. I mean look around, most people have health problems, cancer, aids, BBD and more, thats all horrible. I’m fine, it kills, but in style. At least thats what I can say to feel better.

  I’ve never been told that I’m making a little progress, never, therefore I have no courage to try it more, I’ve been smoking drugs for the last four months, I had stopped drinking but it didnt work when I tried to forget about this sickness without drinking. what makes it even worse is that my psychiatrist always take hope from me, pours more black into my life and in my eyes, I’ve been with no hope at all, it kills inside. Pain and wounds, razors that all sucks.

 wish me a better life. Without any fucking eating disorder, without Miss anorexia.