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There’s always that moment when you start to realize the value of something but when you start to find the real value and meaning of your life and existence it becomes something totally different. It’s all about people around you, people make you find the truth about yourself, not all people but some! 

 I believe that I’m smart enough to get over all the obstacles I face everything and the struggles, I know that my sickness and sometimes weakness don’t mean anything comparing to the other things I have. I’m sick but hard working, weak in love but strong socially, show respect and politeness but I tell of who insults me and treat me like a shit. I don’t know how to get this message across but I know that I’m more than I think I am and I know that people would not notice that from first sight as much as when they know me further.
 
 I hate that I don’t have the same feelings towards VIP, yet he still cares too much and shows me love and respct and all what a girl wants a guy to do for her but I still can’t even imagine us .. a couple. Nevertheless, I can’t confess just not to hurt him but I feel that I’m hurting him by faking something towards him. I need help with this folks!
  He’s the kind who spend money on anything and nothing which is so crazy and breaks my heart.

  A side from all that, I still work on the research about Atheism and so excited to know the rest of those things I still don’t know about. I’ve got to the point where I start to think “what is the difference between God and Santa Claus?”
 
 Still need the real convincing answer!

 
 Here we go again, it will never stop. Jerks, liars and hypocrites are every where and once I know their reality I tend to leave and stay away, that is what I’m supposed to do anyway.

 Two days ago my damn ex has called at 5 am, he called to tell me one of his fake stories those I could’nt believe, he lies and acts and thinks that I do believe his small little junky brain. Who would call someone to tell him something like that? Actually he called to tell me that a girl he has known is in a trouble, she’s 25 year old, single, pregnant, it’s her fourth month now and the father refuses to marry her (respectfully).

 Me: ….

Him: yeah, she’s in a trouble and I feel helpless!

Me: yeah ok, she’s in a trouble and you feel helpless, what role should I play in this story dude?

Him: please, I’m serious about this ok? I would’nt do this to one of my friends, I wanna help her but I cant so I’m calling you now because I think you can do something about this …!!

Me: no I cant do something, I actually cannot do anything to this kind of people and please stop calling me, you took all night to make this story up huh?

 Him: she needs your help, put yourself in her place, wha ..

 Me: Listen, I will never be in her place ever and you know it more than anyone else..

 Him: you think I’m lying to you now right? you do? answer me..

Me: Yes, you are and stop it because you are a shit when you do it.

Him: ok ok, take her number and call her, ask her if you want

Me: ……… ( phone off)

What bothers the most is how could people get my number even when I change it?? perhaps he knows people I know, perhaps he took my number from some friends which means I still have hypocrites who I still consider friends, God. Sometimes I think that I need to throw the phone away and that’s it, I should not own a phone because it doesn’t make my life easier but harder and harder everyday.

 With every single day passes I feel that people are changing too fast, they lie more and get worse and worse, what can I do about it? Fly against the wind?  walk on the other way? people are not people anymore, who could ever say that God does’nt exist? what brain they have? I’m surrounded by atheists!!

 Anyway, about that young woman, I called him yesterday and took her number, I called her and asked her about the whole thing and she said that it’s true she’s pregnant and she needed help. I thought about the whole thing, why would I get myself into troubles and help a slut? what if I helped her and she thanked me and turned to be a nice slave to her God? what if I helped her and she thanked me for helping her but retuned to be a slut again? I chose the other way, to help her.

I went with her to the hospital to make sure that she’s really pregnant and what’s the age of her baby. I called my aunt who is a doctor and she is really good and asked her to do the thing secretly ( is it a secret anymore?) The problem is that my aunt works abroad which means this slut has to travel, but she has no money to travel, she does not work and cannot ask her parents to pay for her ticket because they’re not supposed to know right?! She cried and moaned but I couldn’t pay for a slut, she has to pay the price, hasn’t she?
 
 Now here is the point, he, my ex told me that he’s going to pay and she will pay him back later. I could have paid, this is not about money, this is about dignity. I asked him to give me an honest answer to this question “are you the fucking father?” …..

 Of course he was the father and if he’s not going to marry her and if he cant take the blame and wants to live safely so no problems will come through his way, that is all what he could do. She will travel tomorrow, she told her parents that she’s going to visit her sister who lives in Qatar, I called the sister and told her about it all and asked her to be secretive about this with her parents in case they called.

 I dont know why I’ve chosen to do this I really have enough shits in my life, I didnt need something like this to come across. Maybe because I wanted to feel that I still can do something good in my life, to make up all the things I do and all the sins I commit daily.

P.S  Who says that God does not exist cannot say that God claims. Who does not exist does not claim too.