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So, I watched this movie at 3 am, it’s the best to watch a movie. before Sunrise is a drama/romance movie, I wish I was Celine and McSteamy was Jesse. In short, it’s about a young man and woman meet on a train in Europe, and wind up spending one romantic evening together in Vienna. Unfortunately, both know that this will probably be their only night together. 

 My favourite scene was when a cadger ask them to give him a word to write a poem including that word and they can buy the poem if they like it. I liked the poem. The most painful scene was when they had to say goodbye at the train gate, I cried a river. Anyway, I hated how Celine dressed, she looked dirty and I felt that she smells awful!

I start to get interested in many things as I grow up, some sound silly and others wise. For example, I now like Alice in wonderland, I used to hate her before. I like barbie dolls more now and the new “generation” of them. I like the old 70’s music which I used to hate very much before. I like political articals too, I’ve never expected this one. Ermmm what else, I like red and purple, they were awful to me when I was 9!! I realized that when I had many nice memories when I was nine, although my cousin tried to rape me at this age I still consider it an experience, regardless to how bad was it. I also realized that if I hadn’t broken my knee at the door of my neighbor’s house I would have remained a friend to their daughter.

Updates:
Last song: I’m With You - Avril Lavigne
Last Movie - Before Sunrise
Last SMS: “Halo, still recoverin’? hope all alright. so how was you last midterm? did good?”
Last call: Che
Last food: meat soup
Last drink: coffee
Last cry: an hour ago
Last laugh: 5 hours ago
Last fun: yesterday
last quote: “live and let live”
last sleep: 10 hours ago
last fight: can’t remember

Have you ever got disappointed by a friend whom you used to trust?! I don’t know how to start telling the story, I’m shocked especially because she’s my friend and we’re close!!

 She “met” this guy on hi5 and I suppose that you know it, they talked for about two or three months before they get interested to know each other more. But the problem is how it all started, first I don’t like relationships through the internet, second I don’t trust people so it’s going to be so hard to trust someone over “Here”. Plus, she lied to him, she lied about her name, her family and everything else.

 Let me make it shorter, she felt really interested more than ever, she decided to tell him the truth and let him know that she lied, she wanted to make it something serious. So, before they move to the Next Step which was talking on phone, she confessed, he used to tell her that he likes her persoanality and that she’s different, she confessed about everything, yet she could not meet him, she was so stupid to send him some pictures of her friend and tell him that was her!! She confessed about everything except this pictures thing!! You know what, this world is so stupid and I can’t wait till I leave earth. I mean we used to be friends and I thought she was telling me everthing and I thought that I knew her well even more than I know myself and now she’s shocking me with this super-childish story after one year!

 Anyway, yes it’s been almost a year now and they have not met yet, he is so mad, pissed, he’s been begging and complaining about this situation that they’ve been together for so long and they haven’t seen each other even for one minute. I believe that my friend is nice, she’s got such a great personality, intelligent, confident, lovely and popular not because she’s my friend but because that’s how her friends think about her. She loved him and he really likes her, they both sound serious about this, she wants to make the steps one at a time, but she can’t skip the meeting step. yet, she can’t confess about the picture after all that time and after making him thinks that she’s really honest with him now. In other words, she doesn’t want to disappoint him twice. But that doesn’t make any sense to me, I mean if she really wants him, loves him and wants to make it work she has to just do it.

  I don’t know how to help her, I felt better because the way it’s going between McSteamy and I is much better. The thing is, I don’t know if I should ask her to leave him if she can’t make it, or ask her to do it and disappoint him for the second time before it’s too too too late because now it’s just too late, and of course that’s when he might say “that’s it, we’re done” because he can’t trust her any more and blah blah blah, those drama scenes.

 Thank God.

 Too much happens within a couple of days. I am supposed to go to rehab in the UK instead of getting a better education! How come? I needed to travel to study there but Mom said NO I can’t leave her and go there alone and that I’m her only daughter and blah blah blah .. my mother’s drama, and I know inside that she didn’t mean that, I knew that she’s living with her family and I’m already here far away, that does not make any sense to anyone!

 I am not going to a rehab whether it was here or there. I don’t need to get the treatment, not anymore. Having an eating disorder doesn’t make it that big, rehabs are made for those brats who do drugs, addicted to things.. I don’t know it’s just not the right place and not the right way to fix this. I have a life -ok not literally but I have it anyway- I am doing well with my jobs and study, I have shits to deal with, yes, but I guess that is normal, people have issues in their lives. I believe that my parents have no idea how to raise up children, so thank God they have got only Me.

 No, I’m not going to anywhere, I’ve got my own life, God, I cannot believe why do they still act as if they care!! I know they don’t. Mom, maybe you’ve got the chance to read this, if you really care why don’t you come and live here again? Why don’t you come and take care of me I promise that I will try my best to be a good girl. Ok, what if I promised you that I will gain 5 kg if you decide to come and live with us. You know how bad I want you to be with us, Dad gets sick too much these days and I can’t deny that I don’t know what I should do, I tried to act like you but he needs you Mom. I need you too, you aren’t separated so why you’re doing this for god sake?!! I beg you Mom. You used to tell me that one day I will be responsible to take care of some man and that takes love, why don’t you do that?

  I’m sick of living this life, you don’t show me that you really love me or care for me, even when you come here I feel that you’re here just to feed Dad’s lust for afew days. Mom, I know that you’re not faithful to him, I can’t handle seeing him like this, longs to see you so that you can please him and he thinks that he’s pleasing you but you’re fed up by other guys. Maybe you’re shocked why I’m telling you this now and here, but I really feel sick of you and I need to pour my heart out over here, I know you read this, Susan told me, but I’m not going to stoping writing the truth, please Mom stop it. We suffer without you, for the sake of this family can’t you get enough of sex, can’t you get enough of lying??

 So, I’m not going to listen to you, I am not traveling just because you came up with this stupid decision. You didn’t want me to travel to get my education for that silly reason and you want me to travel to get in a rehab?? I’m not going whether you like it or not, I’m fine, I’m not going to die just because your not here.

P.S Sparky has died, we buried him where you buried him near the pool, he was loyal more than some human beings!!

There’s always that moment when you start to realize the value of something but when you start to find the real value and meaning of your life and existence it becomes something totally different. It’s all about people around you, people make you find the truth about yourself, not all people but some! 

 I believe that I’m smart enough to get over all the obstacles I face everything and the struggles, I know that my sickness and sometimes weakness don’t mean anything comparing to the other things I have. I’m sick but hard working, weak in love but strong socially, show respect and politeness but I tell of who insults me and treat me like a shit. I don’t know how to get this message across but I know that I’m more than I think I am and I know that people would not notice that from first sight as much as when they know me further.
 
 I hate that I don’t have the same feelings towards VIP, yet he still cares too much and shows me love and respct and all what a girl wants a guy to do for her but I still can’t even imagine us .. a couple. Nevertheless, I can’t confess just not to hurt him but I feel that I’m hurting him by faking something towards him. I need help with this folks!
  He’s the kind who spend money on anything and nothing which is so crazy and breaks my heart.

  A side from all that, I still work on the research about Atheism and so excited to know the rest of those things I still don’t know about. I’ve got to the point where I start to think “what is the difference between God and Santa Claus?”
 
 Still need the real convincing answer!

I’m dying, so sick ..

Anyway, I traveled for three days to see my mother and I could find some books I was looking for.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Now reading: Siddhartha
Now listening: Rule The World by Take That (this the best thing I can listen to now, it takes my breath away)

I got to answer some questions, someone sent them via Contact Me link. 

 Superman69, these are your questions answered by Me.

What is your ethnicity?
- White bahraini, half lebanese

How old are you?
- Just 19 and a month

Where do you live?
- Bahrain, Muharraq

What kind of ED do you have?
- Anorexia Nervosa

Do you do drugs?
- Not anymore

Are you close to your parents?
- used to be

Do you see a psychiatrist/psychologist?
- Yup

What is your favourite book?
- I can’t pick but if I have to, Wasted.

Do your parents know about your ED (Eating Disorder) ?
- yes, they knew 2 years later.

How about your friends?
- I tried to hide it from the very beginning. Two or three years later, I told 3 of them because they had doubts.

Ever been to recovery?
- Yes, it has been almost 1 year now, no progress though.

How much weight do you want to lose?
- I always say 2 kg more. The fact about anorexics that they can’t get enough, they lose and lose and don’t stop because they always think they’re huge even when they are extremly thin.

What do you think started your ED?
- That is a good one. The environment I’m in was the main reason to get my ED started, people comment on girls bodies and their shapes, “you’re pretty but don’t get fat”, “once you grow older you will start to gain”. All what they say scares me and I wanted to avoid being as they expect me to be. Secondly, Me wanted to be a model, I had the chance to be when that agency called but guess what I said No because I thought I was fat and that is when I ruined my dream.

What other illnesses besides an ED you have?
- Paranoia !!

Do any of your friends have an ED?
- Nope

Does anyone in your family have an ED ?
- Nope

How often do you weigh yourself?
- I used to do that daily. Now, in every appointment which means weekly.

 you welcome superman69. Other questions cannot be answered here.

They said I’m healed enough to be revealed, so I’m home now.
I’ve been reading that indian tale Siddhathra which I enjoy doing. (Thanks to Hamad Balucci).
I’m happy because I have my VIP friend in my life.
I can’t wait till Ramadan ends and my life gets back to the track again, plus I’m waiting for a big return in my life after this month.
I’m back to university with all my heart and soul, I have to raise things there so that I can end up in a bank!! ok I’m just 19 and a month!!
I have been talking to McSteamy more honeslty.

I don’t know why some people get shocked that much when I confess living alone at the age of nineteen (do-wa-beest). They get shocked when they know that I work and study and travel alone. Ok, I believe that these things are hard for a 19 years old girl, yes it’s hard, but it’s not my choice to live alone, it’s not my choice to be the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters, but yes it is my choice to work, to study, to protect myself while living alone. (not really alone, I still have the maid).

 I could not prevent my mother from living with her family outside. I could not ask my father to change his job so he can stay with me. The thing is, I suggested to travel to see my mother and when I called her to give her some “good” news she said “this ain’t a good idea”. I did not want to live alone but this is not the end of the world and their absence does not allow me to be free to drink, go back to drugs and any such things. I thank God that I’m not flattered to do what any other girl would do in the absence of her parents.

 I dare to say that I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud and satisfied, having some nice friends standing by my side give me the comfort I need to survive. I swear I get timorous when I read those horrible news happening every single day over this cursed country, people are being animals, jerks what brains do they have?! crimes are speading all around us and what I’m supposed to do with that alone?!!

 Dear lord in heaven, I pray that soon my parents will come back to me, that moments of forever will be added to our future together, that I will be forever healed, that I will get just what I desereve no more. Amen.

Valentino 

 I could not believe what happened. I’ve known this friend for two years now but he never told me and I did not notice that at all, maybe because I don’t watch the national TV channel!! Yesterday I turned on the TV on bahrain channel, news actually and I got shocked, so shocked .. I could not close my eyes nor mouth. I saw that friend standing with the King, my close friend, who I used to talk to 24/7. Duhhhhhhhh.

 I turned it off directly and thought about everything, I knew he was rich, he used to send me expensive gifts when it’s my birthday. He used to wake me up in the morning I mean he used to call me and wake me up because he knows that I dont switch my alarm on. He knows almost everything about me, we used to be so close. Now when he calls to wake me up and I ask him about his work he says yeah I will go later, they can’t say a thing, he goes at 9 am and leave at 1:30 pm, when he arrives to his office he calls and keeps talking to me because according to him there’s nothing to do at work, it’s boring and he plays games on the PC. I found it cool to have a job like that but actually I believe it’s not at all, he hates his job too just because there’s nothing to do!! He even asked me to be his girlfriend but I could not be not because he was 15 years older than me!!

 Anyway, I called him ..

Me: Hi ..?
Him: Hi. Miss you. I just called three times five minutes ago and sent you a message too.

(last message: will you ever wake up??)

Me: yeah I’ve just seen them. I was wondering ..
Him: wondering about what?
Me: you. you’ve never told me about your family.
Him:……..does it make any sense ?!
Me: yes, maybe ..  I just want to know. Come on tell me and I will tell you about mine.
Him: No, it doesn’t make a sense.
Me: aaaaaaaah, yet I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know ..
Him: why now? why you are asking me Now?? just now?
Me: Why? because I’ve just seen you on TV with the king!!!!
Him: …..
Me: what? why you didn’t tell me?
Him: Ok, what did you want me to tell you? How did you want me to tell you? you would think I’m showing off.

  I am still shocked, I used to treat him as a friend, a very close friend, I talked to him about …oh God. I even cannot imagine that I’ve said those things to someone who’s one of the king’s cousins. Dammit. 

 Why is the that video of Valentino Balboni? Because I have talked to that famous man and this video is taked by my friend when Valentino was here. My friend had a Lamborghini car and Valentino is a friend of his and always comes to check his cars and buys or sells. I can’t wait till I meet him too.

 McSteamy (who hates using this name) and I used to exchange quotes by emails and we have many of them memorized. Anyway, we don’t do that any more, yeah things happen and life changes!!

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal. US comedian & movie actor.

 Golf and Sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
- Jimmy Demaret.

 Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate women inside it.
- O magazine, The Shy Girl’s Guide To Sex, Feb 2003.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
- Aimee Mullins. Oprah Magazine.

 A hedge between keeps friendship green.
- German Proverb.

For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God.
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Erose will have naked bodies, friendship naked personalities.
- C. S. Lewis.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, Religion, Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
- Matt Groening

True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom appreciated until it is lost.
- Charles Caleb Colton

Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.
- (I don’s know who said that)

  I’m back again, this time the hospital was worse than ever, all patients were so annoying and disgusting though I had my private room, it sucks when someone has to be hospitalized. What was wrong? I surprisingly lost more 5 kg instead of gaining at least 10 kg, well that was not because of me of course but my anorexic behaviour was playing around in my head.

 I now think better about my psychiatrist, he is a nice man and I used to hate him when he talks about those private things I hate to talk about but now it is way different, he tries his best to make me through and hopefully I’ll go over it soon.

 Although it’s Ramadan now I needed to get nutrition through mouth and nutrient, sometimes injections which hurts like hell. My psychiatrist was always there the past few days as long as Mom doesn’t live in the country and Dad traveled the day I passed out. I’d like to thank all my friends and cousins who were there for me too when I needed to feel that I still have a family, I wanna curse all those diet pills and laxatives I had used for years though I’m not sure that I am not going to use them again.

 I met Noora, a young woman I’ve known from hospital and she has been suferring from anorexia for years just like me, but this time she looked better and healthier too, I was like how could she make it?  she talked too much about her husband and that he’s the one who helped her and now she’s almost over it. She’s considered a good trigger and motivation to me. I’d like to thank her too and her husband, his words were so inspiring.

 I can’t remember how my life was before anorexia and I can’t remember the beginning, all I remember is that I’ve been obsessed to be thin and very thin and tiny, to shrink and be as small as possible, I’d never thought that it’s going to be this way, to get a very dangerous and fatal sickness and it plays with my brain. I want to say to those wannarexic that this is not a lifestyle and it’s not fun, it kills idiots so stop trying to be anorexics and stop acting as if you were real anorexics, go and get a life people, you’re fine just be proud of that.

 I still need to stay in the hospital till I gain “some” weight, a doctor said I need to gain 10% of the lost weight so far and then he will give my releave. I miss work and fasting and home.