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Have you ever got disappointed by a friend whom you used to trust?! I don’t know how to start telling the story, I’m shocked especially because she’s my friend and we’re close!!

 She “met” this guy on hi5 and I suppose that you know it, they talked for about two or three months before they get interested to know each other more. But the problem is how it all started, first I don’t like relationships through the internet, second I don’t trust people so it’s going to be so hard to trust someone over “Here”. Plus, she lied to him, she lied about her name, her family and everything else.

 Let me make it shorter, she felt really interested more than ever, she decided to tell him the truth and let him know that she lied, she wanted to make it something serious. So, before they move to the Next Step which was talking on phone, she confessed, he used to tell her that he likes her persoanality and that she’s different, she confessed about everything, yet she could not meet him, she was so stupid to send him some pictures of her friend and tell him that was her!! She confessed about everything except this pictures thing!! You know what, this world is so stupid and I can’t wait till I leave earth. I mean we used to be friends and I thought she was telling me everthing and I thought that I knew her well even more than I know myself and now she’s shocking me with this super-childish story after one year!

 Anyway, yes it’s been almost a year now and they have not met yet, he is so mad, pissed, he’s been begging and complaining about this situation that they’ve been together for so long and they haven’t seen each other even for one minute. I believe that my friend is nice, she’s got such a great personality, intelligent, confident, lovely and popular not because she’s my friend but because that’s how her friends think about her. She loved him and he really likes her, they both sound serious about this, she wants to make the steps one at a time, but she can’t skip the meeting step. yet, she can’t confess about the picture after all that time and after making him thinks that she’s really honest with him now. In other words, she doesn’t want to disappoint him twice. But that doesn’t make any sense to me, I mean if she really wants him, loves him and wants to make it work she has to just do it.

  I don’t know how to help her, I felt better because the way it’s going between McSteamy and I is much better. The thing is, I don’t know if I should ask her to leave him if she can’t make it, or ask her to do it and disappoint him for the second time before it’s too too too late because now it’s just too late, and of course that’s when he might say “that’s it, we’re done” because he can’t trust her any more and blah blah blah, those drama scenes.

 Thank God.

 Too much happens within a couple of days. I am supposed to go to rehab in the UK instead of getting a better education! How come? I needed to travel to study there but Mom said NO I can’t leave her and go there alone and that I’m her only daughter and blah blah blah .. my mother’s drama, and I know inside that she didn’t mean that, I knew that she’s living with her family and I’m already here far away, that does not make any sense to anyone!

 I am not going to a rehab whether it was here or there. I don’t need to get the treatment, not anymore. Having an eating disorder doesn’t make it that big, rehabs are made for those brats who do drugs, addicted to things.. I don’t know it’s just not the right place and not the right way to fix this. I have a life -ok not literally but I have it anyway- I am doing well with my jobs and study, I have shits to deal with, yes, but I guess that is normal, people have issues in their lives. I believe that my parents have no idea how to raise up children, so thank God they have got only Me.

 No, I’m not going to anywhere, I’ve got my own life, God, I cannot believe why do they still act as if they care!! I know they don’t. Mom, maybe you’ve got the chance to read this, if you really care why don’t you come and live here again? Why don’t you come and take care of me I promise that I will try my best to be a good girl. Ok, what if I promised you that I will gain 5 kg if you decide to come and live with us. You know how bad I want you to be with us, Dad gets sick too much these days and I can’t deny that I don’t know what I should do, I tried to act like you but he needs you Mom. I need you too, you aren’t separated so why you’re doing this for god sake?!! I beg you Mom. You used to tell me that one day I will be responsible to take care of some man and that takes love, why don’t you do that?

  I’m sick of living this life, you don’t show me that you really love me or care for me, even when you come here I feel that you’re here just to feed Dad’s lust for afew days. Mom, I know that you’re not faithful to him, I can’t handle seeing him like this, longs to see you so that you can please him and he thinks that he’s pleasing you but you’re fed up by other guys. Maybe you’re shocked why I’m telling you this now and here, but I really feel sick of you and I need to pour my heart out over here, I know you read this, Susan told me, but I’m not going to stoping writing the truth, please Mom stop it. We suffer without you, for the sake of this family can’t you get enough of sex, can’t you get enough of lying??

 So, I’m not going to listen to you, I am not traveling just because you came up with this stupid decision. You didn’t want me to travel to get my education for that silly reason and you want me to travel to get in a rehab?? I’m not going whether you like it or not, I’m fine, I’m not going to die just because your not here.

P.S Sparky has died, we buried him where you buried him near the pool, he was loyal more than some human beings!!

   It is always complicated to me, he makes life looks simple and claims that I complicate the whole thing between us. I don’t know if this is a break or the break up. God only knows how much I love him and how willing I am to do whatever just to make him happy. Sooner or later, I always feel that, sooner or later he will never be mine, but who knows things may change between day and night, I believe in miracles and coincidences. I love him.

 I can not forget about this guy, simply I can not help talking about him to friends and too often to myself. I can not stop thinking about him, if sad just think about him because it means sharing grief, if happy just think about him because it would make me happier, if sick just think about him because it helps me getting better, if depressed, if hyper, crazy, sleepy, horny, desperate, angry, it’s always better to think about him. I love him.

 I pray that God will always keep us together, I pray that he will always think about me as he always does, that I’m different, old in mind, young in soul. I pray that God will never make the day to leave him comes soon, he will always make us happy together because I truely love as I never loved anyone before. I love him.

 I dare to admit that I can not let the day passes without talking to him or at least sending him something. I can not deny that I love him so much, that I love everything about him and I like him when he’s being himself and tells me that he likes the way I am, the real me, that he likes how I act spontaneously! I love him.

 I thank God for giving me this grace, I thank Celine Dion for making such songs those help alot.

Currently on playlist:
Live For The One I Love - Celine Dion
Taking Chances - Celine Dion

 And my research about atheism goes on. Now I have to present this on the 25th of the month, I find it pretty interesting.

 Theology: The study of religion and religious belief.

First we start with definitions.
- Agnostic: Someone who believes that we cannot know if God exists or not.
- Weak atheist: someone who does not believe in the existence of one or more Gods.
- Strong atheist: someone who assert the contrary position, that God does not exist.

The agnostic is not sure if there is a god, the weak atheist has no reason to believe in a god, and the strong atheist says there is definitely no god.

There are too many misperceptions about atheists and atheism:

- Being an atheist does not mean you have no morals. It is absurd to think that one can only learn morality from the church or temples. Atheists do not need the bribery of heaven or the threat of hell to be good.
 The evidence? Although atheists make up around 8-10% of the American population, they are only 1% of the prison population.

- Atheists do not worship the devil. Atheists do not believe in the existence of Satan or devils any more than they do God, so why would they worship them?

- Communism is different from atheism.
 Atheism is having the ability to think freely and draw your own conclusions. Both the church and communism are about thinking in ways that “higher-up” authority figures want you to think.

- Atheists are also libertarians. We cannot equate conservatism with piousness, most atheists consider themselves libertarians but they are also conservatives.

- Theist always say that they “believe in” when they mean “have faith in”. They equate believin in the existence of Jesus or God and accepting him as their savior. Atheists do not believe in Jesus Christ, The Buddha, The Pope or anything else but themselves as their “savior”.

Ever hear of Pascal’s wager?
 An otherwise bright fellow for his time a few centuries ago, set up this table to counter arguments that there is no evidence for god and therefore no reason to believe.

Pascal’s Wager

 If: And:                                  There is a God.                        There is no God.
 You believe in God.                You go to heaven.                        Nothing lost.
 You don’t believe in God.       You go to hell.                       Nothing gained.

 As a fan of Jane Austen, it was my pleasure to see the movie of her novel Sense And Sensibility which I like more than Pride And Prejudice. Sense And Sensibilty is much more close to our life, in a way very romantic and it makes “girls” cry or tear.  It gives me hopes when I become depressed of McSteamy. 

  I’m reading the 11th chapter of Siddhartha, the indian tale, but I’ve just decided to check if there’s anything about this tale on youtube, all I could find was shit. The tale is somehow very religious which is something I’ve been trying to avoid, I mean to avoid reading this kind of religious writings. I think Siddartha is a man with no brain, the meditations, verses, the Om and all of these things are stupid things and all of us believe that, just like when we laugh at those people who are slaves to Buddah. If he believed in Gotama the exalted one why he didn’t take his teachings just like Govinda? duhhh.

  On another note, I still feel so bad that VIP is so in love and I can’t now shock him that I don’t want to be with him. I talked about fate and how do I believe in it, I tried to give winks to undrstand that I can’t be more than a friend or a little sister to him, he aims for something really big but I am already in love with someone else, someone I truely love with all my heart and soul, someone I don’t want to leave, why the hell I have to go through this with someone VIP? Maybe he thinks that I won’t say no when he spends money on me, when he shows me how much he cares UNLIKE McSteamy, but I have just realized that I don’t need a man with wealth to be in love with, I envy him for what he has even though his life is misrable but I love McSteamy the way he is, with his mind and heart and attitude!

  May god forgive me for doing this, for keeping VIP stuck without his knowledge but it’s not my fault, or maybe partly it is.

There’s always that moment when you start to realize the value of something but when you start to find the real value and meaning of your life and existence it becomes something totally different. It’s all about people around you, people make you find the truth about yourself, not all people but some! 

 I believe that I’m smart enough to get over all the obstacles I face everything and the struggles, I know that my sickness and sometimes weakness don’t mean anything comparing to the other things I have. I’m sick but hard working, weak in love but strong socially, show respect and politeness but I tell of who insults me and treat me like a shit. I don’t know how to get this message across but I know that I’m more than I think I am and I know that people would not notice that from first sight as much as when they know me further.
 
 I hate that I don’t have the same feelings towards VIP, yet he still cares too much and shows me love and respct and all what a girl wants a guy to do for her but I still can’t even imagine us .. a couple. Nevertheless, I can’t confess just not to hurt him but I feel that I’m hurting him by faking something towards him. I need help with this folks!
  He’s the kind who spend money on anything and nothing which is so crazy and breaks my heart.

  A side from all that, I still work on the research about Atheism and so excited to know the rest of those things I still don’t know about. I’ve got to the point where I start to think “what is the difference between God and Santa Claus?”
 
 Still need the real convincing answer!

I do not really know how to deal with him. I do not know know the way to deal with this kind, because I’ve never been with someone like him before. He’s rare. One minute he is so cool so hyper so happy and I love that, it refreshes me alot. The next, we meet or just call back and I find him in a totally different mood, that sucking mood, the mood that makes me hate my entire life and the way I love him and the way I show him I care. 

  We had those times when I could make him explain, to tell me why and how, and he confessed that he cares and he may cares alot about someone but he can’t show. I think he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s paying too much attention, he’s the one who should receive that attention, I love him though! 

 Yesterday was strange, he called me when I was in class. I called him back and he never answered, and never answered all day long when I kept calling, he answered at evening, his voice was sick, was not normal at all I felt there was something wrong .. the line went off and he never called me again!!

 I’m sad, confused, desperate, sick.. . It hurts when you care and you dont even get  the thank-you work in return. I’m not asking for much hunny, just try it and I will be satisfied with whatever you give. I’m in pain, don’t you feel that? when you’re going to realize that what you’re doing (or not doing) is suffering and it makes my life like hell!!

 Screw you and your love!

I’m dying, so sick ..

Anyway, I traveled for three days to see my mother and I could find some books I was looking for.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Now reading: Siddhartha
Now listening: Rule The World by Take That (this the best thing I can listen to now, it takes my breath away)

I got to answer some questions, someone sent them via Contact Me link. 

 Superman69, these are your questions answered by Me.

What is your ethnicity?
- White bahraini, half lebanese

How old are you?
- Just 19 and a month

Where do you live?
- Bahrain, Muharraq

What kind of ED do you have?
- Anorexia Nervosa

Do you do drugs?
- Not anymore

Are you close to your parents?
- used to be

Do you see a psychiatrist/psychologist?
- Yup

What is your favourite book?
- I can’t pick but if I have to, Wasted.

Do your parents know about your ED (Eating Disorder) ?
- yes, they knew 2 years later.

How about your friends?
- I tried to hide it from the very beginning. Two or three years later, I told 3 of them because they had doubts.

Ever been to recovery?
- Yes, it has been almost 1 year now, no progress though.

How much weight do you want to lose?
- I always say 2 kg more. The fact about anorexics that they can’t get enough, they lose and lose and don’t stop because they always think they’re huge even when they are extremly thin.

What do you think started your ED?
- That is a good one. The environment I’m in was the main reason to get my ED started, people comment on girls bodies and their shapes, “you’re pretty but don’t get fat”, “once you grow older you will start to gain”. All what they say scares me and I wanted to avoid being as they expect me to be. Secondly, Me wanted to be a model, I had the chance to be when that agency called but guess what I said No because I thought I was fat and that is when I ruined my dream.

What other illnesses besides an ED you have?
- Paranoia !!

Do any of your friends have an ED?
- Nope

Does anyone in your family have an ED ?
- Nope

How often do you weigh yourself?
- I used to do that daily. Now, in every appointment which means weekly.

 you welcome superman69. Other questions cannot be answered here.

  I’m back again, this time the hospital was worse than ever, all patients were so annoying and disgusting though I had my private room, it sucks when someone has to be hospitalized. What was wrong? I surprisingly lost more 5 kg instead of gaining at least 10 kg, well that was not because of me of course but my anorexic behaviour was playing around in my head.

 I now think better about my psychiatrist, he is a nice man and I used to hate him when he talks about those private things I hate to talk about but now it is way different, he tries his best to make me through and hopefully I’ll go over it soon.

 Although it’s Ramadan now I needed to get nutrition through mouth and nutrient, sometimes injections which hurts like hell. My psychiatrist was always there the past few days as long as Mom doesn’t live in the country and Dad traveled the day I passed out. I’d like to thank all my friends and cousins who were there for me too when I needed to feel that I still have a family, I wanna curse all those diet pills and laxatives I had used for years though I’m not sure that I am not going to use them again.

 I met Noora, a young woman I’ve known from hospital and she has been suferring from anorexia for years just like me, but this time she looked better and healthier too, I was like how could she make it?  she talked too much about her husband and that he’s the one who helped her and now she’s almost over it. She’s considered a good trigger and motivation to me. I’d like to thank her too and her husband, his words were so inspiring.

 I can’t remember how my life was before anorexia and I can’t remember the beginning, all I remember is that I’ve been obsessed to be thin and very thin and tiny, to shrink and be as small as possible, I’d never thought that it’s going to be this way, to get a very dangerous and fatal sickness and it plays with my brain. I want to say to those wannarexic that this is not a lifestyle and it’s not fun, it kills idiots so stop trying to be anorexics and stop acting as if you were real anorexics, go and get a life people, you’re fine just be proud of that.

 I still need to stay in the hospital till I gain “some” weight, a doctor said I need to gain 10% of the lost weight so far and then he will give my releave. I miss work and fasting and home.