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I’m dying, so sick ..

Anyway, I traveled for three days to see my mother and I could find some books I was looking for.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Now reading: Siddhartha
Now listening: Rule The World by Take That (this the best thing I can listen to now, it takes my breath away)

I got to answer some questions, someone sent them via Contact Me link. 

 Superman69, these are your questions answered by Me.

What is your ethnicity?
- White bahraini, half lebanese

How old are you?
- Just 19 and a month

Where do you live?
- Bahrain, Muharraq

What kind of ED do you have?
- Anorexia Nervosa

Do you do drugs?
- Not anymore

Are you close to your parents?
- used to be

Do you see a psychiatrist/psychologist?
- Yup

What is your favourite book?
- I can’t pick but if I have to, Wasted.

Do your parents know about your ED (Eating Disorder) ?
- yes, they knew 2 years later.

How about your friends?
- I tried to hide it from the very beginning. Two or three years later, I told 3 of them because they had doubts.

Ever been to recovery?
- Yes, it has been almost 1 year now, no progress though.

How much weight do you want to lose?
- I always say 2 kg more. The fact about anorexics that they can’t get enough, they lose and lose and don’t stop because they always think they’re huge even when they are extremly thin.

What do you think started your ED?
- That is a good one. The environment I’m in was the main reason to get my ED started, people comment on girls bodies and their shapes, “you’re pretty but don’t get fat”, “once you grow older you will start to gain”. All what they say scares me and I wanted to avoid being as they expect me to be. Secondly, Me wanted to be a model, I had the chance to be when that agency called but guess what I said No because I thought I was fat and that is when I ruined my dream.

What other illnesses besides an ED you have?
- Paranoia !!

Do any of your friends have an ED?
- Nope

Does anyone in your family have an ED ?
- Nope

How often do you weigh yourself?
- I used to do that daily. Now, in every appointment which means weekly.

 you welcome superman69. Other questions cannot be answered here.

Valentino 

 I could not believe what happened. I’ve known this friend for two years now but he never told me and I did not notice that at all, maybe because I don’t watch the national TV channel!! Yesterday I turned on the TV on bahrain channel, news actually and I got shocked, so shocked .. I could not close my eyes nor mouth. I saw that friend standing with the King, my close friend, who I used to talk to 24/7. Duhhhhhhhh.

 I turned it off directly and thought about everything, I knew he was rich, he used to send me expensive gifts when it’s my birthday. He used to wake me up in the morning I mean he used to call me and wake me up because he knows that I dont switch my alarm on. He knows almost everything about me, we used to be so close. Now when he calls to wake me up and I ask him about his work he says yeah I will go later, they can’t say a thing, he goes at 9 am and leave at 1:30 pm, when he arrives to his office he calls and keeps talking to me because according to him there’s nothing to do at work, it’s boring and he plays games on the PC. I found it cool to have a job like that but actually I believe it’s not at all, he hates his job too just because there’s nothing to do!! He even asked me to be his girlfriend but I could not be not because he was 15 years older than me!!

 Anyway, I called him ..

Me: Hi ..?
Him: Hi. Miss you. I just called three times five minutes ago and sent you a message too.

(last message: will you ever wake up??)

Me: yeah I’ve just seen them. I was wondering ..
Him: wondering about what?
Me: you. you’ve never told me about your family.
Him:……..does it make any sense ?!
Me: yes, maybe ..  I just want to know. Come on tell me and I will tell you about mine.
Him: No, it doesn’t make a sense.
Me: aaaaaaaah, yet I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know ..
Him: why now? why you are asking me Now?? just now?
Me: Why? because I’ve just seen you on TV with the king!!!!
Him: …..
Me: what? why you didn’t tell me?
Him: Ok, what did you want me to tell you? How did you want me to tell you? you would think I’m showing off.

  I am still shocked, I used to treat him as a friend, a very close friend, I talked to him about …oh God. I even cannot imagine that I’ve said those things to someone who’s one of the king’s cousins. Dammit. 

 Why is the that video of Valentino Balboni? Because I have talked to that famous man and this video is taked by my friend when Valentino was here. My friend had a Lamborghini car and Valentino is a friend of his and always comes to check his cars and buys or sells. I can’t wait till I meet him too.

 McSteamy (who hates using this name) and I used to exchange quotes by emails and we have many of them memorized. Anyway, we don’t do that any more, yeah things happen and life changes!!

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal. US comedian & movie actor.

 Golf and Sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
- Jimmy Demaret.

 Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate women inside it.
- O magazine, The Shy Girl’s Guide To Sex, Feb 2003.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
- Aimee Mullins. Oprah Magazine.

 A hedge between keeps friendship green.
- German Proverb.

For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God.
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Erose will have naked bodies, friendship naked personalities.
- C. S. Lewis.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, Religion, Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
- Matt Groening

True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom appreciated until it is lost.
- Charles Caleb Colton

Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.
- (I don’s know who said that)

 Books I’m looking for and I’m dying to read!!

 picture of the day.

 Is this true?

 Is this true?

Haha, honestly this one has made my day.

This is an interesting one no?

like it? 

 what happened to me?
I now think better and I believe that I have a great thinking and I do exist. 

 okay okay, god
- I need to see, once I see I know.

 
 Here we go again, it will never stop. Jerks, liars and hypocrites are every where and once I know their reality I tend to leave and stay away, that is what I’m supposed to do anyway.

 Two days ago my damn ex has called at 5 am, he called to tell me one of his fake stories those I could’nt believe, he lies and acts and thinks that I do believe his small little junky brain. Who would call someone to tell him something like that? Actually he called to tell me that a girl he has known is in a trouble, she’s 25 year old, single, pregnant, it’s her fourth month now and the father refuses to marry her (respectfully).

 Me: ….

Him: yeah, she’s in a trouble and I feel helpless!

Me: yeah ok, she’s in a trouble and you feel helpless, what role should I play in this story dude?

Him: please, I’m serious about this ok? I would’nt do this to one of my friends, I wanna help her but I cant so I’m calling you now because I think you can do something about this …!!

Me: no I cant do something, I actually cannot do anything to this kind of people and please stop calling me, you took all night to make this story up huh?

 Him: she needs your help, put yourself in her place, wha ..

 Me: Listen, I will never be in her place ever and you know it more than anyone else..

 Him: you think I’m lying to you now right? you do? answer me..

Me: Yes, you are and stop it because you are a shit when you do it.

Him: ok ok, take her number and call her, ask her if you want

Me: ……… ( phone off)

What bothers the most is how could people get my number even when I change it?? perhaps he knows people I know, perhaps he took my number from some friends which means I still have hypocrites who I still consider friends, God. Sometimes I think that I need to throw the phone away and that’s it, I should not own a phone because it doesn’t make my life easier but harder and harder everyday.

 With every single day passes I feel that people are changing too fast, they lie more and get worse and worse, what can I do about it? Fly against the wind?  walk on the other way? people are not people anymore, who could ever say that God does’nt exist? what brain they have? I’m surrounded by atheists!!

 Anyway, about that young woman, I called him yesterday and took her number, I called her and asked her about the whole thing and she said that it’s true she’s pregnant and she needed help. I thought about the whole thing, why would I get myself into troubles and help a slut? what if I helped her and she thanked me and turned to be a nice slave to her God? what if I helped her and she thanked me for helping her but retuned to be a slut again? I chose the other way, to help her.

I went with her to the hospital to make sure that she’s really pregnant and what’s the age of her baby. I called my aunt who is a doctor and she is really good and asked her to do the thing secretly ( is it a secret anymore?) The problem is that my aunt works abroad which means this slut has to travel, but she has no money to travel, she does not work and cannot ask her parents to pay for her ticket because they’re not supposed to know right?! She cried and moaned but I couldn’t pay for a slut, she has to pay the price, hasn’t she?
 
 Now here is the point, he, my ex told me that he’s going to pay and she will pay him back later. I could have paid, this is not about money, this is about dignity. I asked him to give me an honest answer to this question “are you the fucking father?” …..

 Of course he was the father and if he’s not going to marry her and if he cant take the blame and wants to live safely so no problems will come through his way, that is all what he could do. She will travel tomorrow, she told her parents that she’s going to visit her sister who lives in Qatar, I called the sister and told her about it all and asked her to be secretive about this with her parents in case they called.

 I dont know why I’ve chosen to do this I really have enough shits in my life, I didnt need something like this to come across. Maybe because I wanted to feel that I still can do something good in my life, to make up all the things I do and all the sins I commit daily.

P.S  Who says that God does not exist cannot say that God claims. Who does not exist does not claim too.

Last drink: water
Last Food: salad
Last shower: 2:50 AM
Last conversation: McSteamy & Rez
Last sleep: 4:30 PM
Last movie: Tropic Thunder
Last cry: 25 hours ago
Last sex: 21 hours ago
Last shopping: two days ago
Last fight: a week ago
Last laugh: 2 hours ago
Last SMS: 30 minutes ago
Last call: 6 hours ago
Last book: Wasted
Last birthday: Da7mooh’s
Last fun: at Maggi’s
Last playlist: I kissed a girl, no air, closer, can you hear me, comfortably numb, hey you ..

 from my last shopping..

Ramadan Kareem

McDevil

- does not pray, does not fast
- a drinker
- a smoker
- does drugs
- has slept with 60 woman so far
- hates most people around him
- curses
- lazy and has no goals, always seems frustrated.

McSteamy

- has never missed a prayer and fasts every single day in Ramadan and when it’s needed.
- still virgin
- respect all people around him
- never tried to drink
- has never tried drugs
- does not curse, does not use bad words
- hates death, crimes and blood.
- does not smoke
- has a big brain and always knows what to do.

 McDevil and I have been friends since 4 years and I used to feel that we’re a reflection of one person for so long. I’ve just realized that that was so wrong, McDevil and I are somehow different. I love a guy and I call him McSteamy, he’s not an angel and I’m not trying to make him seem like an angel, to me he’s close to be perfect, still no one is perfect. I like to be with McDevil for the sake of friendship and old days, but I dont know why I started to feel that he’s a bad friend, we both know that we are bad and we do bad things together and each one used to tell the other about everything happens, that’s why we’re just like an open book, we like to be with each other becasue we are naughty and trying to live life to the fullest, try everything, enjoy everything and never give a shit about anything. Last night everything started to change in my head.

 I know many people who do not pray or fast, do not care about what religion requires or what they should do to show faith to make it something seen. Yet, they claim that they’re muslims and believe in the one God, that is bullshit. Althought I cannot stop doing many things knowing that they’re bad and forbidden I still pray, it is one of the things those I can’t stop, I cannot miss a prayer I just cant and that doesnt make me a good person but I just do it for god sake, to feel that I’m here for a reason and I’m leaving for a reason too.
 
 Last night for the first time I know that McDevil does not pray or fast at all, not because of this name I’ve given to him but because he “doesnt want to”, that is what he said ” I believe in God and I love him, I believe in that day too, but I just dont pray and dont fast, what’s wrong? are you going to get the punishment instead of me or what?” and I cried!! I dont know why I cried I even dont care, I’ve never did, I know many people who dont and I didnt think about it, but last night was so ..I dont think my period was the reason but there was something else, I felt that there’s no justice anymore, it’s unfair, what happened to you people, when will you wake up?  I wish I can transfer to another planet where there is no one of you.

 and I will always love you McSteamy <3

     A month ago I’ve met a guy who knows nothing, literally nothing. He represents the situation of a huge group of guys over this country. I couldn’t believe that he really didn’t know the things I asked him about. First, I started to talk to him in English like any other person I meet at work, he stopped me and asked me to talk in Arabic, for a moment I wondered why but I didn’t give a real damn about it and carried on, I mentioned some words in English, words that everyone ‘supposed’ to know like “for example”, “already”, “however” and so on but he couldn’t understand, he kept asking me what does that mean “umm, wh..wha..what? sorry? Wh..what you say??”. I felt that I was talking to a big dumb, he’s really a big dumb and the fact that I have to work with this person every single day is just like the pain in the ass.

   I was talking to someone about an interesting video we both have seen on youtube and we were excited about it, that’s when he came across to show his curiosity, he asked about that video what was it about and where was it, I told him that he can find it on youtube.com, guess what. He doesn’t know youtube, the site that considred the most useful website in 2007. I showed him youtube on the screen and told him about it, I “taught” him how to use it and how would it help him. He was like ‘what an invention’, to him it was the most amazing thing in the entire universe, how could people do that?  Once he knew about my sickness, he was very lucky to know because I wouldn’t tell him about it, he asked me “what is anoo-rexa-neervoseh?!” I told him that it’s just a disease and I cant tell him more about it otherwise he can google it, he looked at me for a minute then he turned his back to go to his office but then he turn and said “I’m sorry but what do you mean by saying google it?” ..whaaaaat?! “I’m sorry, I can’t explain”.