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 That question should never be asked at all, you don’t go to look for a soulmate, your soulmate just comes without any arrangement. Like a very soft and cool wind you feel it some day and wonder where has it been for all that time.

 have you ever been in love? You could touch the moon light, have you ever walked on air?

 Think twice,
don’t say what you’re about to say
look back before you leave my life

Be sure before you close that door
before you roll those dices
baby think twice
baby think twice for the sake of our love and the memory

McDevil

- does not pray, does not fast
- a drinker
- a smoker
- does drugs
- has slept with 60 woman so far
- hates most people around him
- curses
- lazy and has no goals, always seems frustrated.

McSteamy

- has never missed a prayer and fasts every single day in Ramadan and when it’s needed.
- still virgin
- respect all people around him
- never tried to drink
- has never tried drugs
- does not curse, does not use bad words
- hates death, crimes and blood.
- does not smoke
- has a big brain and always knows what to do.

 McDevil and I have been friends since 4 years and I used to feel that we’re a reflection of one person for so long. I’ve just realized that that was so wrong, McDevil and I are somehow different. I love a guy and I call him McSteamy, he’s not an angel and I’m not trying to make him seem like an angel, to me he’s close to be perfect, still no one is perfect. I like to be with McDevil for the sake of friendship and old days, but I dont know why I started to feel that he’s a bad friend, we both know that we are bad and we do bad things together and each one used to tell the other about everything happens, that’s why we’re just like an open book, we like to be with each other becasue we are naughty and trying to live life to the fullest, try everything, enjoy everything and never give a shit about anything. Last night everything started to change in my head.

 I know many people who do not pray or fast, do not care about what religion requires or what they should do to show faith to make it something seen. Yet, they claim that they’re muslims and believe in the one God, that is bullshit. Althought I cannot stop doing many things knowing that they’re bad and forbidden I still pray, it is one of the things those I can’t stop, I cannot miss a prayer I just cant and that doesnt make me a good person but I just do it for god sake, to feel that I’m here for a reason and I’m leaving for a reason too.
 
 Last night for the first time I know that McDevil does not pray or fast at all, not because of this name I’ve given to him but because he “doesnt want to”, that is what he said ” I believe in God and I love him, I believe in that day too, but I just dont pray and dont fast, what’s wrong? are you going to get the punishment instead of me or what?” and I cried!! I dont know why I cried I even dont care, I’ve never did, I know many people who dont and I didnt think about it, but last night was so ..I dont think my period was the reason but there was something else, I felt that there’s no justice anymore, it’s unfair, what happened to you people, when will you wake up?  I wish I can transfer to another planet where there is no one of you.

 and I will always love you McSteamy <3

 It was so nice to be with some kind friends, shakin’ the stress away, went to see Hancock which wasn’t that good. It was nice to find some time to forget about what’s really stressful. 

 Again, I’ve seen an old friend who had told me that he’s interested in guys more and told me about the fact that he’s gay. He could have told me in a kind way, I don’t blame him, he didn’t know that I support gay marriages. It’s all about finding a soulmate right?! Shit.

 If you’re one of Grey’s Anatomy fans then you probably will know this person..

T.R. Knight

 
he’s called George O’mally in Grey’s and he’s gay. Recently, he’s got married from his boyfriend Matt Corneisen.
Here they’re walking their dogs together, how romantic!! I envy “her”. 

The Wedding ..

 He’s been asked about having children in future and if he longs to be a father and the answer was “well, the idea of it .. yeah” he said hesitantly.

 But my ex friend used to be so normal, he tried his best not show anything about his interest in guys, once he said “I hate beards, I love guys with shaved faces”. It wasn’t normal to hear something like that, add to that the way it sounded. I’ve never asked him about being with some girl because I actually didn’t want him to think that I was interested or something which is true, I wasn’t. But he could have told me, I’m ok with it.  That doesnt mean I am a lesbian or I want to get a wife instead of getting a husband. It’s just that I understand the whole thing about it. 
 
 So today when we met by coincidence and shaked hands I felt that he’s ashamed or shy maybe, but I told him indirectly about O’mally’s marriage and how lovely the couple looked, I know I was a jerk to say somthing awful like that to a gay but it didnt mind at the time, he just said that if they really love each other then they’ll be happy!! Yeah dear with a big hole in your ass! I swear I remembered him with his boyfriend while I was watching Hancock, you know that scene when Will Smith got that guy’s head into his friend’s ass. Jeeeeeeez. And it was really good that we both could talk about our sexual issues, he talked about how it hurts and how good it feels at the same time I felt like he was pouring his heart out. That’s a positive sign : )

 Good for them both .. 
 

  Its true that we can’t choose our families, we come to this life and grow up to realize that we already have people to live between them, and we can’t change them, we can’t choose them. The thing is, they give us some genes too, which means we have to accept them with all the genes they give.

 But there are some people, I can call them lucky who somehow could choose their parents, sisters and brothers. I wish it could happen. But when you watch all those documentary programmes, read about those small desperate families and the troubles they’re having every single day in newspapers, you actually thank your god for the life you’ve got. When I ‘was’ a brat and maybe a very spoiled one I honestly used to hate my family and I knew that hate was temporary, it was kind of hate and love relationship as my psychiatrist keeps saying. It doesn’t happen anymore, growing up works, but sometimes when you face some sort of obstacles and find no one to blame, you blame the past and the family.

 Thanks god I’m happy now and I dont have that kind of problems about my family, thats if I can call it a family. Being the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters sucks, I blame everything has caused this fact. What hurts the most is to see everyone with a number of sisters and another of brothers, some are uncles and aunts, it reminds me that I won’t be an aunt ever. Add to that, anorexia might prevent me from being a mother in future. I hate genes. 

 Now, I’ve stopped hoping about having a brother or a sister, asking my parents to try again everynight seemed so silly and I’ve stopped that too. I remember that once I called some doctor and asked him about the whole thing, I was just 12 but I could do it, I asked people and I used to cry asking mother to bring me a brother, to buy one or to do whatever. That was my top one reason to hate genes and family. 

 Friends and relatives call me ‘Lucky’ just because I’m the only one in my parents’ life and they think I’m spoiled, but it seems that no one is satisfied and people will never be. I’m normal then, I’m not satified.

 This song is for my dear parents with passion: 

 For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
Youre the one who held me up
Never let me fall
Youre the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
Im grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I dont know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
Youve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

Im everything I am
Because you loved me

I’ve spent the last three days in London. As usual you dont feel the time where you like to be. Again, took some shoots.

 
 just a random pic.

to be honest, these are things I really had to buy..

 I enjoyed being there, though three days weren’t enough at all, not even close to be. Being there with Daddy means being there alone. That was even better, he was busy all the time, come to provide me with some cash and  leaves again. That was awesome.
 
I wanted to be there in winter its always better. you can smoke to warm yourself up, their coffee shops are so warm and the coffee has another taste in at the time too.
 
 Loved that.

I took some shoots of  Bella and here is one of the best .. isn’t lovely?!

 she doesnt eat much these days but I cant open my mouth to tell Mom about this, she already hates Bella. I will try to take some shoots when she’s awake!

 So much fun, thanks god it’s not boring anymore, for someone who’s fond of guitars and rock I will never feel bored again. We have been taking our guitars and go out to any place, crowded or empty, narrow or huge ..it’s always fun with sounds of our guitars, different guitars.

 Soon and before we fly to LV in September we will be in Dubai where we can see wonderful concerts ..

 
 and that’s what I’m talking about

 This car, aaah no this is not a car, its amazing, I always sing “you can take my breath away..” when I see it.

 I know you can see it everywhere now, I see it with all wonderful colors too, it amazes me though, its lights, its sight..everything, I’ve never expected that I’m going to fall in love with a car. It sounds so silly, so ridiculous!!

 How I love it, I love cars, but this is not a car, this is my boyfriend!!

pool dari?!

 That is what I am doing to myself as he said. Not True. I dont even smoke, I stopped taking pills (Mom stole them anyway), and I think that I eat more now. He tells lies, he cannot be a doctor!!

 I have got my own motivation, he helps me alot and that makes Mom feels happy about me that I’m getting better. She doesn’t understand why I am trying to recover and get my treatment properly. I wont tell her though, bleh.

 Well, many people have no idea that a woman needs at least 1500 calories daily and a man needs at least 2500 calories daily. I used to take 300 calories daily no more, it’s a crime to break this rule, but now I started to take 500 calories and even more. That’s very good for me, without getting any help from that dump ass.

 Finally, I am starting to feel well again, with my own help.

btw, he said that this girl in the pic has the same hight and weight as mine. Again, definitely he’s telling crap. I dont think I look like that at all!!!