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I got to answer some questions, someone sent them via Contact Me link. 

 Superman69, these are your questions answered by Me.

What is your ethnicity?
- White bahraini, half lebanese

How old are you?
- Just 19 and a month

Where do you live?
- Bahrain, Muharraq

What kind of ED do you have?
- Anorexia Nervosa

Do you do drugs?
- Not anymore

Are you close to your parents?
- used to be

Do you see a psychiatrist/psychologist?
- Yup

What is your favourite book?
- I can’t pick but if I have to, Wasted.

Do your parents know about your ED (Eating Disorder) ?
- yes, they knew 2 years later.

How about your friends?
- I tried to hide it from the very beginning. Two or three years later, I told 3 of them because they had doubts.

Ever been to recovery?
- Yes, it has been almost 1 year now, no progress though.

How much weight do you want to lose?
- I always say 2 kg more. The fact about anorexics that they can’t get enough, they lose and lose and don’t stop because they always think they’re huge even when they are extremly thin.

What do you think started your ED?
- That is a good one. The environment I’m in was the main reason to get my ED started, people comment on girls bodies and their shapes, “you’re pretty but don’t get fat”, “once you grow older you will start to gain”. All what they say scares me and I wanted to avoid being as they expect me to be. Secondly, Me wanted to be a model, I had the chance to be when that agency called but guess what I said No because I thought I was fat and that is when I ruined my dream.

What other illnesses besides an ED you have?
- Paranoia !!

Do any of your friends have an ED?
- Nope

Does anyone in your family have an ED ?
- Nope

How often do you weigh yourself?
- I used to do that daily. Now, in every appointment which means weekly.

 you welcome superman69. Other questions cannot be answered here.

They said I’m healed enough to be revealed, so I’m home now.
I’ve been reading that indian tale Siddhathra which I enjoy doing. (Thanks to Hamad Balucci).
I’m happy because I have my VIP friend in my life.
I can’t wait till Ramadan ends and my life gets back to the track again, plus I’m waiting for a big return in my life after this month.
I’m back to university with all my heart and soul, I have to raise things there so that I can end up in a bank!! ok I’m just 19 and a month!!
I have been talking to McSteamy more honeslty.

I don’t know why some people get shocked that much when I confess living alone at the age of nineteen (do-wa-beest). They get shocked when they know that I work and study and travel alone. Ok, I believe that these things are hard for a 19 years old girl, yes it’s hard, but it’s not my choice to live alone, it’s not my choice to be the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters, but yes it is my choice to work, to study, to protect myself while living alone. (not really alone, I still have the maid).

 I could not prevent my mother from living with her family outside. I could not ask my father to change his job so he can stay with me. The thing is, I suggested to travel to see my mother and when I called her to give her some “good” news she said “this ain’t a good idea”. I did not want to live alone but this is not the end of the world and their absence does not allow me to be free to drink, go back to drugs and any such things. I thank God that I’m not flattered to do what any other girl would do in the absence of her parents.

 I dare to say that I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud and satisfied, having some nice friends standing by my side give me the comfort I need to survive. I swear I get timorous when I read those horrible news happening every single day over this cursed country, people are being animals, jerks what brains do they have?! crimes are speading all around us and what I’m supposed to do with that alone?!!

 Dear lord in heaven, I pray that soon my parents will come back to me, that moments of forever will be added to our future together, that I will be forever healed, that I will get just what I desereve no more. Amen.

  I’m back again, this time the hospital was worse than ever, all patients were so annoying and disgusting though I had my private room, it sucks when someone has to be hospitalized. What was wrong? I surprisingly lost more 5 kg instead of gaining at least 10 kg, well that was not because of me of course but my anorexic behaviour was playing around in my head.

 I now think better about my psychiatrist, he is a nice man and I used to hate him when he talks about those private things I hate to talk about but now it is way different, he tries his best to make me through and hopefully I’ll go over it soon.

 Although it’s Ramadan now I needed to get nutrition through mouth and nutrient, sometimes injections which hurts like hell. My psychiatrist was always there the past few days as long as Mom doesn’t live in the country and Dad traveled the day I passed out. I’d like to thank all my friends and cousins who were there for me too when I needed to feel that I still have a family, I wanna curse all those diet pills and laxatives I had used for years though I’m not sure that I am not going to use them again.

 I met Noora, a young woman I’ve known from hospital and she has been suferring from anorexia for years just like me, but this time she looked better and healthier too, I was like how could she make it?  she talked too much about her husband and that he’s the one who helped her and now she’s almost over it. She’s considered a good trigger and motivation to me. I’d like to thank her too and her husband, his words were so inspiring.

 I can’t remember how my life was before anorexia and I can’t remember the beginning, all I remember is that I’ve been obsessed to be thin and very thin and tiny, to shrink and be as small as possible, I’d never thought that it’s going to be this way, to get a very dangerous and fatal sickness and it plays with my brain. I want to say to those wannarexic that this is not a lifestyle and it’s not fun, it kills idiots so stop trying to be anorexics and stop acting as if you were real anorexics, go and get a life people, you’re fine just be proud of that.

 I still need to stay in the hospital till I gain “some” weight, a doctor said I need to gain 10% of the lost weight so far and then he will give my releave. I miss work and fasting and home.

 That question should never be asked at all, you don’t go to look for a soulmate, your soulmate just comes without any arrangement. Like a very soft and cool wind you feel it some day and wonder where has it been for all that time.

 have you ever been in love? You could touch the moon light, have you ever walked on air?

 Think twice,
don’t say what you’re about to say
look back before you leave my life

Be sure before you close that door
before you roll those dices
baby think twice
baby think twice for the sake of our love and the memory

     A month ago I’ve met a guy who knows nothing, literally nothing. He represents the situation of a huge group of guys over this country. I couldn’t believe that he really didn’t know the things I asked him about. First, I started to talk to him in English like any other person I meet at work, he stopped me and asked me to talk in Arabic, for a moment I wondered why but I didn’t give a real damn about it and carried on, I mentioned some words in English, words that everyone ‘supposed’ to know like “for example”, “already”, “however” and so on but he couldn’t understand, he kept asking me what does that mean “umm, wh..wha..what? sorry? Wh..what you say??”. I felt that I was talking to a big dumb, he’s really a big dumb and the fact that I have to work with this person every single day is just like the pain in the ass.

   I was talking to someone about an interesting video we both have seen on youtube and we were excited about it, that’s when he came across to show his curiosity, he asked about that video what was it about and where was it, I told him that he can find it on youtube.com, guess what. He doesn’t know youtube, the site that considred the most useful website in 2007. I showed him youtube on the screen and told him about it, I “taught” him how to use it and how would it help him. He was like ‘what an invention’, to him it was the most amazing thing in the entire universe, how could people do that?  Once he knew about my sickness, he was very lucky to know because I wouldn’t tell him about it, he asked me “what is anoo-rexa-neervoseh?!” I told him that it’s just a disease and I cant tell him more about it otherwise he can google it, he looked at me for a minute then he turned his back to go to his office but then he turn and said “I’m sorry but what do you mean by saying google it?” ..whaaaaat?! “I’m sorry, I can’t explain”.

 I should just stop going to see a doctor, I dont think I’m getting better anyway, people dont understand that I just like it that way. I started to get used to my eating disorder. I mean look around, most people have health problems, cancer, aids, BBD and more, thats all horrible. I’m fine, it kills, but in style. At least thats what I can say to feel better.

  I’ve never been told that I’m making a little progress, never, therefore I have no courage to try it more, I’ve been smoking drugs for the last four months, I had stopped drinking but it didnt work when I tried to forget about this sickness without drinking. what makes it even worse is that my psychiatrist always take hope from me, pours more black into my life and in my eyes, I’ve been with no hope at all, it kills inside. Pain and wounds, razors that all sucks.

 wish me a better life. Without any fucking eating disorder, without Miss anorexia.

  Its true that we can’t choose our families, we come to this life and grow up to realize that we already have people to live between them, and we can’t change them, we can’t choose them. The thing is, they give us some genes too, which means we have to accept them with all the genes they give.

 But there are some people, I can call them lucky who somehow could choose their parents, sisters and brothers. I wish it could happen. But when you watch all those documentary programmes, read about those small desperate families and the troubles they’re having every single day in newspapers, you actually thank your god for the life you’ve got. When I ‘was’ a brat and maybe a very spoiled one I honestly used to hate my family and I knew that hate was temporary, it was kind of hate and love relationship as my psychiatrist keeps saying. It doesn’t happen anymore, growing up works, but sometimes when you face some sort of obstacles and find no one to blame, you blame the past and the family.

 Thanks god I’m happy now and I dont have that kind of problems about my family, thats if I can call it a family. Being the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters sucks, I blame everything has caused this fact. What hurts the most is to see everyone with a number of sisters and another of brothers, some are uncles and aunts, it reminds me that I won’t be an aunt ever. Add to that, anorexia might prevent me from being a mother in future. I hate genes. 

 Now, I’ve stopped hoping about having a brother or a sister, asking my parents to try again everynight seemed so silly and I’ve stopped that too. I remember that once I called some doctor and asked him about the whole thing, I was just 12 but I could do it, I asked people and I used to cry asking mother to bring me a brother, to buy one or to do whatever. That was my top one reason to hate genes and family. 

 Friends and relatives call me ‘Lucky’ just because I’m the only one in my parents’ life and they think I’m spoiled, but it seems that no one is satisfied and people will never be. I’m normal then, I’m not satified.

 This song is for my dear parents with passion: 

 For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
Youre the one who held me up
Never let me fall
Youre the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
Im grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I dont know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
Youve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

Im everything I am
Because you loved me

  Exams kill, dont they? yes they kill. They bring more sicknesses no doubt about that, anxiety, stress, headache..etc. Im not over complaining but that’s what I have recently realized. Tomorrow is my last exam and I’ll sleep forever when go back home.  Hopefully I wont lose any of my GPA, Im not ready to know that Im getting worse in everything.

  My journey to Vegas is soon, I will finally break free for a while, its going to be very stressful there but I guess it’s much better. I need to stay away from all what has happened through this year, people think that Im someone else because there’s a girl who said that she’s me (pretty interesting, isnt it?!), I want to stay away from some people due to the lack of kindess they have. Friends who talk behind my back, they’re nice to me but think that you tell lies all the time. This world is going nut!!

 What sucks most is that my therapist still thinks I’m making no progress at all, he says that telling him that I’m doing my best isn’t enough and I might lie about that. I’m very honest and got the best damn therapist in the whole universe. Everytime I go there and sit in his sight to check me out he keeps looking for minutes to tell me at the end “poor thing dear, what are you doing through week days?? how often do you eat?” .. I eat like a wild animal but that doesnt work, then what the hell I’m supposed to do?! Fuck this disease.

  On the other side, what makes this world is even worse instead of making it better for drivers, those police men who stop people like me …innocent people lets say hehe. I was driving in peace, he just stopped me to ask me about my name and whose car I was driving, how old I am .. and yeah wait listen to this lovely question .. where did you get this nice hair cut?!! Duhhhh. I just wanted to know what’s wrong and why he asked me all those silly questions, at the end he asked me to enjoy driving and that he wanted to check something no more.

 I will take a long break, it’s going to be forever as I said. I wont open a book and won’t read a word unless for my  benefit!!

I love presidents when they die. Today I had a test, actually I woke up saying Im 100% sure Im gonna fail no doubt about it. I changed and did the same program I do every morning and went down stairs to check the newspapers while Im waiting for Mom. Guess what!! On the first page, that lovely cute prince of Kuwait whose name is Saad El-Abdullah has died today, he’s so amazing at timing, thank you God, I will always remember this grace.

   I ran to my room, threw everything back and slept for a couple of hours with no dreams or nightmares or any fears of eating meals today. I slept with a big smile on my face, saying  “Prince Saad rest in peace“.