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I’m dying, so sick ..

Anyway, I traveled for three days to see my mother and I could find some books I was looking for.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Now reading: Siddhartha
Now listening: Rule The World by Take That (this the best thing I can listen to now, it takes my breath away)

I got to answer some questions, someone sent them via Contact Me link. 

 Superman69, these are your questions answered by Me.

What is your ethnicity?
- White bahraini, half lebanese

How old are you?
- Just 19 and a month

Where do you live?
- Bahrain, Muharraq

What kind of ED do you have?
- Anorexia Nervosa

Do you do drugs?
- Not anymore

Are you close to your parents?
- used to be

Do you see a psychiatrist/psychologist?
- Yup

What is your favourite book?
- I can’t pick but if I have to, Wasted.

Do your parents know about your ED (Eating Disorder) ?
- yes, they knew 2 years later.

How about your friends?
- I tried to hide it from the very beginning. Two or three years later, I told 3 of them because they had doubts.

Ever been to recovery?
- Yes, it has been almost 1 year now, no progress though.

How much weight do you want to lose?
- I always say 2 kg more. The fact about anorexics that they can’t get enough, they lose and lose and don’t stop because they always think they’re huge even when they are extremly thin.

What do you think started your ED?
- That is a good one. The environment I’m in was the main reason to get my ED started, people comment on girls bodies and their shapes, “you’re pretty but don’t get fat”, “once you grow older you will start to gain”. All what they say scares me and I wanted to avoid being as they expect me to be. Secondly, Me wanted to be a model, I had the chance to be when that agency called but guess what I said No because I thought I was fat and that is when I ruined my dream.

What other illnesses besides an ED you have?
- Paranoia !!

Do any of your friends have an ED?
- Nope

Does anyone in your family have an ED ?
- Nope

How often do you weigh yourself?
- I used to do that daily. Now, in every appointment which means weekly.

 you welcome superman69. Other questions cannot be answered here.

They said I’m healed enough to be revealed, so I’m home now.
I’ve been reading that indian tale Siddhathra which I enjoy doing. (Thanks to Hamad Balucci).
I’m happy because I have my VIP friend in my life.
I can’t wait till Ramadan ends and my life gets back to the track again, plus I’m waiting for a big return in my life after this month.
I’m back to university with all my heart and soul, I have to raise things there so that I can end up in a bank!! ok I’m just 19 and a month!!
I have been talking to McSteamy more honeslty.

I don’t know why some people get shocked that much when I confess living alone at the age of nineteen (do-wa-beest). They get shocked when they know that I work and study and travel alone. Ok, I believe that these things are hard for a 19 years old girl, yes it’s hard, but it’s not my choice to live alone, it’s not my choice to be the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters, but yes it is my choice to work, to study, to protect myself while living alone. (not really alone, I still have the maid).

 I could not prevent my mother from living with her family outside. I could not ask my father to change his job so he can stay with me. The thing is, I suggested to travel to see my mother and when I called her to give her some “good” news she said “this ain’t a good idea”. I did not want to live alone but this is not the end of the world and their absence does not allow me to be free to drink, go back to drugs and any such things. I thank God that I’m not flattered to do what any other girl would do in the absence of her parents.

 I dare to say that I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud and satisfied, having some nice friends standing by my side give me the comfort I need to survive. I swear I get timorous when I read those horrible news happening every single day over this cursed country, people are being animals, jerks what brains do they have?! crimes are speading all around us and what I’m supposed to do with that alone?!!

 Dear lord in heaven, I pray that soon my parents will come back to me, that moments of forever will be added to our future together, that I will be forever healed, that I will get just what I desereve no more. Amen.

 McSteamy (who hates using this name) and I used to exchange quotes by emails and we have many of them memorized. Anyway, we don’t do that any more, yeah things happen and life changes!!

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal. US comedian & movie actor.

 Golf and Sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
- Jimmy Demaret.

 Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate women inside it.
- O magazine, The Shy Girl’s Guide To Sex, Feb 2003.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
- Aimee Mullins. Oprah Magazine.

 A hedge between keeps friendship green.
- German Proverb.

For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God.
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Erose will have naked bodies, friendship naked personalities.
- C. S. Lewis.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, Religion, Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
- Matt Groening

True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom appreciated until it is lost.
- Charles Caleb Colton

Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.
- (I don’s know who said that)

  I’m back again, this time the hospital was worse than ever, all patients were so annoying and disgusting though I had my private room, it sucks when someone has to be hospitalized. What was wrong? I surprisingly lost more 5 kg instead of gaining at least 10 kg, well that was not because of me of course but my anorexic behaviour was playing around in my head.

 I now think better about my psychiatrist, he is a nice man and I used to hate him when he talks about those private things I hate to talk about but now it is way different, he tries his best to make me through and hopefully I’ll go over it soon.

 Although it’s Ramadan now I needed to get nutrition through mouth and nutrient, sometimes injections which hurts like hell. My psychiatrist was always there the past few days as long as Mom doesn’t live in the country and Dad traveled the day I passed out. I’d like to thank all my friends and cousins who were there for me too when I needed to feel that I still have a family, I wanna curse all those diet pills and laxatives I had used for years though I’m not sure that I am not going to use them again.

 I met Noora, a young woman I’ve known from hospital and she has been suferring from anorexia for years just like me, but this time she looked better and healthier too, I was like how could she make it?  she talked too much about her husband and that he’s the one who helped her and now she’s almost over it. She’s considered a good trigger and motivation to me. I’d like to thank her too and her husband, his words were so inspiring.

 I can’t remember how my life was before anorexia and I can’t remember the beginning, all I remember is that I’ve been obsessed to be thin and very thin and tiny, to shrink and be as small as possible, I’d never thought that it’s going to be this way, to get a very dangerous and fatal sickness and it plays with my brain. I want to say to those wannarexic that this is not a lifestyle and it’s not fun, it kills idiots so stop trying to be anorexics and stop acting as if you were real anorexics, go and get a life people, you’re fine just be proud of that.

 I still need to stay in the hospital till I gain “some” weight, a doctor said I need to gain 10% of the lost weight so far and then he will give my releave. I miss work and fasting and home.

 
 Here we go again, it will never stop. Jerks, liars and hypocrites are every where and once I know their reality I tend to leave and stay away, that is what I’m supposed to do anyway.

 Two days ago my damn ex has called at 5 am, he called to tell me one of his fake stories those I could’nt believe, he lies and acts and thinks that I do believe his small little junky brain. Who would call someone to tell him something like that? Actually he called to tell me that a girl he has known is in a trouble, she’s 25 year old, single, pregnant, it’s her fourth month now and the father refuses to marry her (respectfully).

 Me: ….

Him: yeah, she’s in a trouble and I feel helpless!

Me: yeah ok, she’s in a trouble and you feel helpless, what role should I play in this story dude?

Him: please, I’m serious about this ok? I would’nt do this to one of my friends, I wanna help her but I cant so I’m calling you now because I think you can do something about this …!!

Me: no I cant do something, I actually cannot do anything to this kind of people and please stop calling me, you took all night to make this story up huh?

 Him: she needs your help, put yourself in her place, wha ..

 Me: Listen, I will never be in her place ever and you know it more than anyone else..

 Him: you think I’m lying to you now right? you do? answer me..

Me: Yes, you are and stop it because you are a shit when you do it.

Him: ok ok, take her number and call her, ask her if you want

Me: ……… ( phone off)

What bothers the most is how could people get my number even when I change it?? perhaps he knows people I know, perhaps he took my number from some friends which means I still have hypocrites who I still consider friends, God. Sometimes I think that I need to throw the phone away and that’s it, I should not own a phone because it doesn’t make my life easier but harder and harder everyday.

 With every single day passes I feel that people are changing too fast, they lie more and get worse and worse, what can I do about it? Fly against the wind?  walk on the other way? people are not people anymore, who could ever say that God does’nt exist? what brain they have? I’m surrounded by atheists!!

 Anyway, about that young woman, I called him yesterday and took her number, I called her and asked her about the whole thing and she said that it’s true she’s pregnant and she needed help. I thought about the whole thing, why would I get myself into troubles and help a slut? what if I helped her and she thanked me and turned to be a nice slave to her God? what if I helped her and she thanked me for helping her but retuned to be a slut again? I chose the other way, to help her.

I went with her to the hospital to make sure that she’s really pregnant and what’s the age of her baby. I called my aunt who is a doctor and she is really good and asked her to do the thing secretly ( is it a secret anymore?) The problem is that my aunt works abroad which means this slut has to travel, but she has no money to travel, she does not work and cannot ask her parents to pay for her ticket because they’re not supposed to know right?! She cried and moaned but I couldn’t pay for a slut, she has to pay the price, hasn’t she?
 
 Now here is the point, he, my ex told me that he’s going to pay and she will pay him back later. I could have paid, this is not about money, this is about dignity. I asked him to give me an honest answer to this question “are you the fucking father?” …..

 Of course he was the father and if he’s not going to marry her and if he cant take the blame and wants to live safely so no problems will come through his way, that is all what he could do. She will travel tomorrow, she told her parents that she’s going to visit her sister who lives in Qatar, I called the sister and told her about it all and asked her to be secretive about this with her parents in case they called.

 I dont know why I’ve chosen to do this I really have enough shits in my life, I didnt need something like this to come across. Maybe because I wanted to feel that I still can do something good in my life, to make up all the things I do and all the sins I commit daily.

P.S  Who says that God does not exist cannot say that God claims. Who does not exist does not claim too.

 That question should never be asked at all, you don’t go to look for a soulmate, your soulmate just comes without any arrangement. Like a very soft and cool wind you feel it some day and wonder where has it been for all that time.

 have you ever been in love? You could touch the moon light, have you ever walked on air?

 Think twice,
don’t say what you’re about to say
look back before you leave my life

Be sure before you close that door
before you roll those dices
baby think twice
baby think twice for the sake of our love and the memory

McDevil

- does not pray, does not fast
- a drinker
- a smoker
- does drugs
- has slept with 60 woman so far
- hates most people around him
- curses
- lazy and has no goals, always seems frustrated.

McSteamy

- has never missed a prayer and fasts every single day in Ramadan and when it’s needed.
- still virgin
- respect all people around him
- never tried to drink
- has never tried drugs
- does not curse, does not use bad words
- hates death, crimes and blood.
- does not smoke
- has a big brain and always knows what to do.

 McDevil and I have been friends since 4 years and I used to feel that we’re a reflection of one person for so long. I’ve just realized that that was so wrong, McDevil and I are somehow different. I love a guy and I call him McSteamy, he’s not an angel and I’m not trying to make him seem like an angel, to me he’s close to be perfect, still no one is perfect. I like to be with McDevil for the sake of friendship and old days, but I dont know why I started to feel that he’s a bad friend, we both know that we are bad and we do bad things together and each one used to tell the other about everything happens, that’s why we’re just like an open book, we like to be with each other becasue we are naughty and trying to live life to the fullest, try everything, enjoy everything and never give a shit about anything. Last night everything started to change in my head.

 I know many people who do not pray or fast, do not care about what religion requires or what they should do to show faith to make it something seen. Yet, they claim that they’re muslims and believe in the one God, that is bullshit. Althought I cannot stop doing many things knowing that they’re bad and forbidden I still pray, it is one of the things those I can’t stop, I cannot miss a prayer I just cant and that doesnt make me a good person but I just do it for god sake, to feel that I’m here for a reason and I’m leaving for a reason too.
 
 Last night for the first time I know that McDevil does not pray or fast at all, not because of this name I’ve given to him but because he “doesnt want to”, that is what he said ” I believe in God and I love him, I believe in that day too, but I just dont pray and dont fast, what’s wrong? are you going to get the punishment instead of me or what?” and I cried!! I dont know why I cried I even dont care, I’ve never did, I know many people who dont and I didnt think about it, but last night was so ..I dont think my period was the reason but there was something else, I felt that there’s no justice anymore, it’s unfair, what happened to you people, when will you wake up?  I wish I can transfer to another planet where there is no one of you.

 and I will always love you McSteamy <3

It was a really hard night, very sleepless one, although I’ve started my new job on August 1st I still cant get used to sleep early, early means before 3am, I tried my best to sleep ealier last night but there was no positive results. 

 I decided to turn the DVD player on and I started to watch old seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, Dexter and Friends, digging into London Dairy ice cream jar, it has been my only resource to get my intake of calories. It was pretty nice to lay down naked watching all these stuff to feed my head and my heart, I’m Leo so I got bored. I turned the indivdual party off and tried to sleep again and shake the bad thoughts away, that is when I noticed three missed calls from a strange number so I called back for once but nobody answered, soon it rang and I picked up..

Me: Hellow..

Her: Hi, who is this?!

Me: sorry, you’re calling, may I know who is talking?

Her: No, you just called minutes ago, it’s not my number, it’s my husband’s..

Me: Ok, but I dont know your husband, I just called back when I saw three missed calls from this number, that’s it and I apologize..

Her: if you know my husband just tell me, I know about him and I know that he plays with many girls and he drinks, he’s just playing around and you better tell me if you know him to protect yourself.. (I smelled a scent of a trouble)

Me: wait wait, please wait, I honeslty don’t know what you’re talking about, I dont know your husband, I just called back and I guess it was my biggest mistake.

Her: Listen, he’s missing now, cops are trying to find him ok? he’s amarican and he’s been missing since 10 days now and we all are trying to find him, please tell me where is he now, by the way he’s mentally sick so you’ll be in danger ..

Me: what? hey I told you I know nothing about this whole thing, I dont know you, I dont know your husband, I wish i could help you but sorry ..

That was pretty weird, she was telling me about details that I dont give a damn about, she asked me about my name, if I’m bahraini or not or if I’m half bahraini, my age .. I kinda felt it was a dream or something.

 The minute I left the phone and started to think about what she said, it range again so I thought she missed a question or some details about her missing husband, but it actually was another strange number..

 Me: Hiiiii (yawning), sorry..Hi

 Him: Hi? Nader?

Me: no no, it’s ok, I guess you called the wrong number, it’s ok you’re forgiven , bye.

Him: no wait, I..I think it’s Nader’s number right?!

Me: well, does my voice sound like I’m someone called Nader?!

Him: no at all!! but my friend’s number is like yours but it has 9 instead of 6 in the middle ..

Me: its ok, you’re forgiven, have a nice day.

Him: ermmm, wait is it ok to call on this number again?!

Me: on this number? for what purpose?

Him: I just ..ermm..I just like your voice

Me: fuck off, NO YOU CANNOT.

 That was really ridiculous, who’s that asshole who calls people at 5 am for no purpose and then he gets a really good purpose, all I wanted is to get some time to sleep just to be able to fake a smile on my face in the morning.

 I should just stop going to see a doctor, I dont think I’m getting better anyway, people dont understand that I just like it that way. I started to get used to my eating disorder. I mean look around, most people have health problems, cancer, aids, BBD and more, thats all horrible. I’m fine, it kills, but in style. At least thats what I can say to feel better.

  I’ve never been told that I’m making a little progress, never, therefore I have no courage to try it more, I’ve been smoking drugs for the last four months, I had stopped drinking but it didnt work when I tried to forget about this sickness without drinking. what makes it even worse is that my psychiatrist always take hope from me, pours more black into my life and in my eyes, I’ve been with no hope at all, it kills inside. Pain and wounds, razors that all sucks.

 wish me a better life. Without any fucking eating disorder, without Miss anorexia.