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They said I’m healed enough to be revealed, so I’m home now.
I’ve been reading that indian tale Siddhathra which I enjoy doing. (Thanks to Hamad Balucci).
I’m happy because I have my VIP friend in my life.
I can’t wait till Ramadan ends and my life gets back to the track again, plus I’m waiting for a big return in my life after this month.
I’m back to university with all my heart and soul, I have to raise things there so that I can end up in a bank!! ok I’m just 19 and a month!!
I have been talking to McSteamy more honeslty.

I don’t know why some people get shocked that much when I confess living alone at the age of nineteen (do-wa-beest). They get shocked when they know that I work and study and travel alone. Ok, I believe that these things are hard for a 19 years old girl, yes it’s hard, but it’s not my choice to live alone, it’s not my choice to be the only daughter, no brothers and no sisters, but yes it is my choice to work, to study, to protect myself while living alone. (not really alone, I still have the maid).

 I could not prevent my mother from living with her family outside. I could not ask my father to change his job so he can stay with me. The thing is, I suggested to travel to see my mother and when I called her to give her some “good” news she said “this ain’t a good idea”. I did not want to live alone but this is not the end of the world and their absence does not allow me to be free to drink, go back to drugs and any such things. I thank God that I’m not flattered to do what any other girl would do in the absence of her parents.

 I dare to say that I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud and satisfied, having some nice friends standing by my side give me the comfort I need to survive. I swear I get timorous when I read those horrible news happening every single day over this cursed country, people are being animals, jerks what brains do they have?! crimes are speading all around us and what I’m supposed to do with that alone?!!

 Dear lord in heaven, I pray that soon my parents will come back to me, that moments of forever will be added to our future together, that I will be forever healed, that I will get just what I desereve no more. Amen.

Valentino 

 I could not believe what happened. I’ve known this friend for two years now but he never told me and I did not notice that at all, maybe because I don’t watch the national TV channel!! Yesterday I turned on the TV on bahrain channel, news actually and I got shocked, so shocked .. I could not close my eyes nor mouth. I saw that friend standing with the King, my close friend, who I used to talk to 24/7. Duhhhhhhhh.

 I turned it off directly and thought about everything, I knew he was rich, he used to send me expensive gifts when it’s my birthday. He used to wake me up in the morning I mean he used to call me and wake me up because he knows that I dont switch my alarm on. He knows almost everything about me, we used to be so close. Now when he calls to wake me up and I ask him about his work he says yeah I will go later, they can’t say a thing, he goes at 9 am and leave at 1:30 pm, when he arrives to his office he calls and keeps talking to me because according to him there’s nothing to do at work, it’s boring and he plays games on the PC. I found it cool to have a job like that but actually I believe it’s not at all, he hates his job too just because there’s nothing to do!! He even asked me to be his girlfriend but I could not be not because he was 15 years older than me!!

 Anyway, I called him ..

Me: Hi ..?
Him: Hi. Miss you. I just called three times five minutes ago and sent you a message too.

(last message: will you ever wake up??)

Me: yeah I’ve just seen them. I was wondering ..
Him: wondering about what?
Me: you. you’ve never told me about your family.
Him:……..does it make any sense ?!
Me: yes, maybe ..  I just want to know. Come on tell me and I will tell you about mine.
Him: No, it doesn’t make a sense.
Me: aaaaaaaah, yet I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know ..
Him: why now? why you are asking me Now?? just now?
Me: Why? because I’ve just seen you on TV with the king!!!!
Him: …..
Me: what? why you didn’t tell me?
Him: Ok, what did you want me to tell you? How did you want me to tell you? you would think I’m showing off.

  I am still shocked, I used to treat him as a friend, a very close friend, I talked to him about …oh God. I even cannot imagine that I’ve said those things to someone who’s one of the king’s cousins. Dammit. 

 Why is the that video of Valentino Balboni? Because I have talked to that famous man and this video is taked by my friend when Valentino was here. My friend had a Lamborghini car and Valentino is a friend of his and always comes to check his cars and buys or sells. I can’t wait till I meet him too.

  I’m back again, this time the hospital was worse than ever, all patients were so annoying and disgusting though I had my private room, it sucks when someone has to be hospitalized. What was wrong? I surprisingly lost more 5 kg instead of gaining at least 10 kg, well that was not because of me of course but my anorexic behaviour was playing around in my head.

 I now think better about my psychiatrist, he is a nice man and I used to hate him when he talks about those private things I hate to talk about but now it is way different, he tries his best to make me through and hopefully I’ll go over it soon.

 Although it’s Ramadan now I needed to get nutrition through mouth and nutrient, sometimes injections which hurts like hell. My psychiatrist was always there the past few days as long as Mom doesn’t live in the country and Dad traveled the day I passed out. I’d like to thank all my friends and cousins who were there for me too when I needed to feel that I still have a family, I wanna curse all those diet pills and laxatives I had used for years though I’m not sure that I am not going to use them again.

 I met Noora, a young woman I’ve known from hospital and she has been suferring from anorexia for years just like me, but this time she looked better and healthier too, I was like how could she make it?  she talked too much about her husband and that he’s the one who helped her and now she’s almost over it. She’s considered a good trigger and motivation to me. I’d like to thank her too and her husband, his words were so inspiring.

 I can’t remember how my life was before anorexia and I can’t remember the beginning, all I remember is that I’ve been obsessed to be thin and very thin and tiny, to shrink and be as small as possible, I’d never thought that it’s going to be this way, to get a very dangerous and fatal sickness and it plays with my brain. I want to say to those wannarexic that this is not a lifestyle and it’s not fun, it kills idiots so stop trying to be anorexics and stop acting as if you were real anorexics, go and get a life people, you’re fine just be proud of that.

 I still need to stay in the hospital till I gain “some” weight, a doctor said I need to gain 10% of the lost weight so far and then he will give my releave. I miss work and fasting and home.

     A month ago I’ve met a guy who knows nothing, literally nothing. He represents the situation of a huge group of guys over this country. I couldn’t believe that he really didn’t know the things I asked him about. First, I started to talk to him in English like any other person I meet at work, he stopped me and asked me to talk in Arabic, for a moment I wondered why but I didn’t give a real damn about it and carried on, I mentioned some words in English, words that everyone ‘supposed’ to know like “for example”, “already”, “however” and so on but he couldn’t understand, he kept asking me what does that mean “umm, wh..wha..what? sorry? Wh..what you say??”. I felt that I was talking to a big dumb, he’s really a big dumb and the fact that I have to work with this person every single day is just like the pain in the ass.

   I was talking to someone about an interesting video we both have seen on youtube and we were excited about it, that’s when he came across to show his curiosity, he asked about that video what was it about and where was it, I told him that he can find it on youtube.com, guess what. He doesn’t know youtube, the site that considred the most useful website in 2007. I showed him youtube on the screen and told him about it, I “taught” him how to use it and how would it help him. He was like ‘what an invention’, to him it was the most amazing thing in the entire universe, how could people do that?  Once he knew about my sickness, he was very lucky to know because I wouldn’t tell him about it, he asked me “what is anoo-rexa-neervoseh?!” I told him that it’s just a disease and I cant tell him more about it otherwise he can google it, he looked at me for a minute then he turned his back to go to his office but then he turn and said “I’m sorry but what do you mean by saying google it?” ..whaaaaat?! “I’m sorry, I can’t explain”.

It was a really hard night, very sleepless one, although I’ve started my new job on August 1st I still cant get used to sleep early, early means before 3am, I tried my best to sleep ealier last night but there was no positive results. 

 I decided to turn the DVD player on and I started to watch old seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, Heroes, Dexter and Friends, digging into London Dairy ice cream jar, it has been my only resource to get my intake of calories. It was pretty nice to lay down naked watching all these stuff to feed my head and my heart, I’m Leo so I got bored. I turned the indivdual party off and tried to sleep again and shake the bad thoughts away, that is when I noticed three missed calls from a strange number so I called back for once but nobody answered, soon it rang and I picked up..

Me: Hellow..

Her: Hi, who is this?!

Me: sorry, you’re calling, may I know who is talking?

Her: No, you just called minutes ago, it’s not my number, it’s my husband’s..

Me: Ok, but I dont know your husband, I just called back when I saw three missed calls from this number, that’s it and I apologize..

Her: if you know my husband just tell me, I know about him and I know that he plays with many girls and he drinks, he’s just playing around and you better tell me if you know him to protect yourself.. (I smelled a scent of a trouble)

Me: wait wait, please wait, I honeslty don’t know what you’re talking about, I dont know your husband, I just called back and I guess it was my biggest mistake.

Her: Listen, he’s missing now, cops are trying to find him ok? he’s amarican and he’s been missing since 10 days now and we all are trying to find him, please tell me where is he now, by the way he’s mentally sick so you’ll be in danger ..

Me: what? hey I told you I know nothing about this whole thing, I dont know you, I dont know your husband, I wish i could help you but sorry ..

That was pretty weird, she was telling me about details that I dont give a damn about, she asked me about my name, if I’m bahraini or not or if I’m half bahraini, my age .. I kinda felt it was a dream or something.

 The minute I left the phone and started to think about what she said, it range again so I thought she missed a question or some details about her missing husband, but it actually was another strange number..

 Me: Hiiiii (yawning), sorry..Hi

 Him: Hi? Nader?

Me: no no, it’s ok, I guess you called the wrong number, it’s ok you’re forgiven , bye.

Him: no wait, I..I think it’s Nader’s number right?!

Me: well, does my voice sound like I’m someone called Nader?!

Him: no at all!! but my friend’s number is like yours but it has 9 instead of 6 in the middle ..

Me: its ok, you’re forgiven, have a nice day.

Him: ermmm, wait is it ok to call on this number again?!

Me: on this number? for what purpose?

Him: I just ..ermm..I just like your voice

Me: fuck off, NO YOU CANNOT.

 That was really ridiculous, who’s that asshole who calls people at 5 am for no purpose and then he gets a really good purpose, all I wanted is to get some time to sleep just to be able to fake a smile on my face in the morning.

I’ve spent the last three days in London. As usual you dont feel the time where you like to be. Again, took some shoots.

 
 just a random pic.

to be honest, these are things I really had to buy..

 I enjoyed being there, though three days weren’t enough at all, not even close to be. Being there with Daddy means being there alone. That was even better, he was busy all the time, come to provide me with some cash and  leaves again. That was awesome.
 
I wanted to be there in winter its always better. you can smoke to warm yourself up, their coffee shops are so warm and the coffee has another taste in at the time too.
 
 Loved that.

 This car, aaah no this is not a car, its amazing, I always sing “you can take my breath away..” when I see it.

 I know you can see it everywhere now, I see it with all wonderful colors too, it amazes me though, its lights, its sight..everything, I’ve never expected that I’m going to fall in love with a car. It sounds so silly, so ridiculous!!

 How I love it, I love cars, but this is not a car, this is my boyfriend!!

pool dari?!

I love presidents when they die. Today I had a test, actually I woke up saying Im 100% sure Im gonna fail no doubt about it. I changed and did the same program I do every morning and went down stairs to check the newspapers while Im waiting for Mom. Guess what!! On the first page, that lovely cute prince of Kuwait whose name is Saad El-Abdullah has died today, he’s so amazing at timing, thank you God, I will always remember this grace.

   I ran to my room, threw everything back and slept for a couple of hours with no dreams or nightmares or any fears of eating meals today. I slept with a big smile on my face, saying  “Prince Saad rest in peace“.

 That is what I am doing to myself as he said. Not True. I dont even smoke, I stopped taking pills (Mom stole them anyway), and I think that I eat more now. He tells lies, he cannot be a doctor!!

 I have got my own motivation, he helps me alot and that makes Mom feels happy about me that I’m getting better. She doesn’t understand why I am trying to recover and get my treatment properly. I wont tell her though, bleh.

 Well, many people have no idea that a woman needs at least 1500 calories daily and a man needs at least 2500 calories daily. I used to take 300 calories daily no more, it’s a crime to break this rule, but now I started to take 500 calories and even more. That’s very good for me, without getting any help from that dump ass.

 Finally, I am starting to feel well again, with my own help.

btw, he said that this girl in the pic has the same hight and weight as mine. Again, definitely he’s telling crap. I dont think I look like that at all!!!

Cool cool cool, I like it when I fool…(eagerly)
Ok, that sounds so cruel, but sometimes fooling others makes Fun. You get what you want easily. Winks.

Thanks Dad, I can always be sick to get such things from you. You rock Mr.H.